THE HORROR! THE HORROR!
I'm sure there will be many tales similar in tone to mine, but this one is, I feel, exceptional in its own shudderingly disgusting way.

If you are a pet owner, you may be familiar with the vile and hellish phrase "anal glands". If you aren't, and you have a strong stomach, feel free to google the phrase.

Go ahead, I'll wait.

Got it? The phrase "thick and foul-smelling" keeps coming up, doesn't it? Let me tell you, that's like describing the stench of a three-month rotten egg as "a bit off".

The story begins with me fast asleep in my bed on an uneventful evening. My bed is directly under a window. A strange cat has been roaming the neighborhood for a few days, and apparently he's on the windowsill outdoors. One of our cats has decided this is unacceptable and is beginning to go through the normal cat exercise of yowling and growling at the strange feline. He's chosen to do this next to my head, almost on my pillow, so I groggily wake up to an angry cat lashing his tail into my nose. In my sleepy state, I reach up to gently nudge the cat off the bed.

According to Wikipedia, "[t]he glands can spontaneously empty, especially under times of stress".

Although this is referring to dogs, I have experimental data that strongly suggests the same mechanism exists in felines. Apparently my cat was so absorbed by growling at the rival cat that my sleepy nudge quite startled him. So much, in fact, that he emptied said glands. Everywhere. Everywhere including INTO MY EYES.

Imagine this: You are sound asleep. You are half-aroused by a cat rustling about the bed. You go to give sweet kitty a gentle tap, and suddenly there is a terrible, horrible stench and a dampness on your face, and you are wide awake and screaming, running into the bathroom, believing that your cat's just shat into your eyes. And the truth is almost worse, because although it's not actual shit, the smell is so much worse. Worse than the odor of a thousand catboxes; worse than dog farts; worse than burning tires. And you are frantically washing your face--your entire head, really--and praying that it didn't actually make contact with your eyeballs, and is instead really only *just* in your eyebrows.

If, in the middle of the night, the "good" outcome is "shit in your eyebrows", it has not been an excellent evening.

And during all this my poor boyfriend has woken up to a terrible smell, a screaming woman, a very upset cat, and terribly soiled bed linens. I imagine it wasn't his favorite wake-up, either.

By some impossible grace I escaped any sort of eye infection, which is the only less-than-terrible thing I can say about this experience.
(herbivorous, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 8:10, 11 replies)

I had a friend whose dog's anal glands got blocked. She was shown by her vet how to empty them
& was told to do so on a regular basis.
As she did @ our house 1 day IN THE LOUNGEROOM to demonstrate after her puppy had started to 'drag her arse' around our house. EDIT: Before we knew what she was talking about and could possibly have stopped her.
We don't keep in contact now with her regularly because of that.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 25 Jun 2011, 9:32, closed)

Hilarious!
clicked
(AwesomeCroc, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 14:22, closed)

Win
Well told, click deserved and duly squirted in your general direction.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Sat 25 Jun 2011, 14:38, closed)

I spend way too much of my life
dealing with the products of the anal sacs. The smell is abominable and I have, over time, learnt how to "not smell" in order that I may not be permanently assaulted by such things. Like the story (a bit too much of a vicarious laugh in this case). A bit of pedantry here tho. Strictly speaking they are anal sacs lined with glandular epithelium and not anal glands. This distinction can backfire as I have had clients who thought I was talking about "anal sex". Cats do have the ability to "fire" them and the resultant ejection can travel a fair distance. Dogs are less able to do this, hence the need for expression in some cases. However; I'm going to have one final word... If dogs were fed enough fibre they would express their own sacs and the whole problem would not exist. A soft sloppy shit does not give the requisite mechanical force to allow normal sac expression. Most commercial diets give a very poor faecal consistency. This problem genuinely didnt occur when dogs ate a more natural diet (other things did tho...). I could also whitter on about white dog shit but I think I might be accused of being faecally obsessed.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 14:39, closed)

I have to agree.
Our dog used to suffer terribly from them; the stench was appalling and having them done is the reason why she is now terrified of going to the vets. Since we changed her a natural diet (raw meat, bones and vegetables) she hasn't had this problem at all.

And yes, her shit turns white after a few hours...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 25 Jun 2011, 15:23, closed)

Believe it or not
I actually wrote it with "anal sacs" originally, but changed it to "glands" because I think the word "glands" is more amusing.

And I utterly agree about diet. We have had many pets and have always fed good diets (either raw or high-quality kibble fortified with healthy odds and ends like meaty bones), and this is the only anal sac-related tragedy I'd ever had the misfortune to encounter.
(herbivorous, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 5:37, closed)

"half-aroused by a cat"?
You disgust me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 25 Jun 2011, 14:44, closed)

^What she said...

(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 7:43, closed)

I hope
She meant 'roused'.

Or rectum
(Nigella Pussycat picking baked-in hair from creme brulee, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 12:19, closed)

In my head.....
her vagina is tight and wet due to the cat playing with her clit xxx
(mparryuk52, Tue 28 Jun 2011, 16:40, closed)

"If, in the middle of the night, the "good" outcome is "shit in your eyebrows", it has not been an excellent evening."
Wonderfully put!

*clicks* for the sheer horror of it all
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Wed 29 Jun 2011, 21:04, closed)