I've been sitting on this one for 6 years
Shortly after shitting for the first time in 2 weeks (Wrote a QOTW answer about that too) I was off on my 3 day booze cruise on Carnival's Ecstasy.

Our first and only point of call was Encanita. My friends and I disembarked and proceeded to Senior Frogs and got shitty. We left the girls to do their shopping and we found la pharmicia. I loaded up on Tramadol and Flexeril. The kid behind the counter sensing I was hip asked if I was interested in some Valium.

Does shit smell bad?

I popped one of each pill and we were on our way. I inquired what Koi and Macguyver bought (names changed to protect the guilty from the wrath of their now wives) They had each bought a pill of Viagra and were itching to try it out. They started walking into a strip cub and I said, "No no, that's not how you do it." They inquired how you did do it. I walked up to a taxi driver and asked.

"Um, Que hora es... um... Donde esta la penocia at?"

He says, "Jew wanna get some poosie?"

I say, "Yeah yeah!" and we were off.

We left the tourist district and were going through some local neighborhoods. We giggled like children after 4 cups of Sunny D knowing that this was really going to happen. I thought of all the downers I had swallowed and realized that there was no way in hell my dick had any chance of obtaining an 80 degree angle. Koi asks the cab driver, "are any of them dressed like school girls?"

The driver just chuckled as we stopped in front of a townhouse. It was an upper class neighborhood, I think. From the outside it looked like a nice place. Close to the beach, the kind I would like to own someday. The taxi driver lead us inside and assured us that he would be waiting outside.

When we walked inside It looked like a beauty salon on the first floor. There were about eight young girls dressed like Salor Moon (Koi was in heaven) milling about watching TV, doing each others hair, or working on homework. The madam (I'm guessing) clapped her hands twice and the girls lined up. She explained to us that there was a 30 dollar fee for the "massage" room. Koi chose first, he chose the cutest girl shorter than him (which is narrowed it down because he stands about 5'4".) Maguiver chose a butther face, but the body was worth it.

I had no intention of getting a girl, but what the fuck. If I was getting a massage I wanted a good one. I made my choice and the other girls and even my friends gasped.

I chose mamasita. She was 6'2" and built like a soccer player. Later my friends asked about my reasoning in this decision. I said, "Hey, I get plenty of little hot chicks, but when will my next chance be to get to bang a 6 foot light heavyweight?" And I figured it would be cheaper.

We went upstairs to the massage rooms. She instructed me to undress. I'm down to my chones and there's a knock at my door. Maguyver needed another 40 bucks for a "happy ending." Maguyver is a brother and glancing down I could understand why he was charged triple what Koi and I were charged. (He still hasn't payed me back.) I threw him the money and removed my Greatfull Dead boxers. She lathered me up in baby oil (eew) and massaged me for about a minute before asking.

"Jew only want massage?"

I inquired how much for more.

She glanced down at my shrived, Jewish, muscle relaxed member and held 4 fingers up.

I say, "4 pesos?"

She says, "No, 40 dollars."

It sounded like a bargain plus a great life experience. I could then say that I had been with a prostitute and had paid for sex. I managed to get a chubby that allowed me to get the 'Don Juan para poquito pene' condom on. I lasted for about 30 seconds before my manhood died. I shrugged my shoulders and for once had no remorse about not being able to perform. She flipped me over and finished the job.

I go downstairs to wait for my friends to finish up. I'm sitting on the couch watching some cartoon in Spanish trying to stay conscious so one of the whores doesn't steal my wallet. The girl I had just just shtupped sits down next to me. Then this toddler comes running up to her. "Mama! Mama!" She picks the kid up, whips out her tit and starts breast feeding him.

I think, "Damn, it's a good thing I'm so fucked up. Otherwise this could be traumatic."

My friends come down about 10 minutes later and the taxi is still waiting. Then I black out. I come to back on board the ship. I was passed out on a couch in a puddle of drool. In bags next to me lies 5 bottles of booze, 2 cartons of cigarettes and a dozen M-80's. I asked my friends how the hell I got passed customs with all of that shit. They said, "Oh, it was hilarious. Customs was busy with some other guy and you walked right past them. One of them grabbed your arm and you muttered 'Don't fucking touch me, I'll rip your nuts off and feed them to a chupocabra! I'm an Armenian!' and you were so fucked up they just let you on board."
(anotherlogan and the whit he shites, Fri 7 May 2010, 4:44, 5 replies)

If this is true...
.. you are as legendary as I am. In certain circles, at least.
( DeadEyeDick, Fri 7 May 2010, 8:06, closed)

I don't give two shits if this is real or not.....
You get a click for that last line alone.
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Fri 7 May 2010, 9:30, closed)

Brilliant
just brilliant.
(viciousal, Fri 7 May 2010, 12:44, closed)

You are Tucker Max in disguise
ICMFP

Great story though.
( Fat Fred too weird to live, too rare to die, Fri 7 May 2010, 13:27, closed)

That last sentence...
...was pure comedy gold.
(Plumstix has been spying on you since, Sat 8 May 2010, 14:19, closed)