» Family Holidays

Rectum? It nearly killed him!
As previously stated my family only went on vacation to places that had blackjack tables. This meant we always either had holiday in Vegas or Lake Tahoe, which is like Las Vegas with ski slopes. While we skied, Dad gambled.

I skied alone as I was much more proficient in the sport than my Mum and Sis. We had planned to meet up for lunch at noon. My mother had bought us all sandwiches at the 7-11 (the US equivelent of a Tesco Express, I believe) the previous evening. I was the only one who ate the egg salad sandwich of undetermined age.

After lunch I went back up the lift. As I was getting on the highspeed quad lift to the top of the mountain, I felt a slight gas pain in my gut. Half way up the lift I thought, "Man, this sandwich is not sitting well with me at all." When I arrived at the top I was hunched over in pain. I was ghost white, hunched over with sweat pouring off my face. The lift operator asked if I was alright. "No!" I screamed and I was off.

I'm flying down the mountain with my butt cheeks clenched togher while screaming in pain. I really wasn't sure if I was going to make it. The moguls were not helping at all. The lodge was in sight.

I started releasing my skis as soon as I was on flat ground. I was still moving when I took the second ski off so I tumbled a few times then landed on my feet and took off running. I didn't even see which direction my skis skidded off to. I ran as fast as a guy in ski boots possibly can. I'm tearing off layers as I enter the ski lodge. I high tail it into the restrooms and I'm ready to unleash the fury of my meal at the buffet the night before.

I get in there and every single goddamn stall is taken. Just as I was about to kick in the door where some 12 year old is taking a piss, a stall opens up. I push some guy out of the way and latch the door.

The bathroom was completly empty in 30 seconds. The sound of me screaming and my colon discharging combined with the smell must have been horrific.I sharded the sandwich, everything I had consumed for the past few days, and a penny I had swallowed when I was three. 5 minutes later and I'm still sitting on the toilet, trying to catch my breath when I hear the door open. Some guy took a step in and gagged audibly. I found this funny. I chuckled and a fart came out. Then the guy who walked in starts chuckling. I'm going "Heh-pfft-heh-pfft-heh." Which makes this guy bust up laughing, which gets me laughing which triggers round two of the sandwich vengence and the bathroom is cleared once again.

I'm in there for an hour before I was sure it was over. I was still sweating when I came out. My mother was like, "Where were you? Oh my god! You look terrible! What happened?" I says "Take...me...home."

It wans't so much length as it was volume.
(Sat 4th Aug 2007, 6:57, More)

» Breasts

I've been sitting on this one for 6 years
Shortly after shitting for the first time in 2 weeks (Wrote a QOTW answer about that too) I was off on my 3 day booze cruise on Carnival's Ecstasy.

Our first and only point of call was Encanita. My friends and I disembarked and proceeded to Senior Frogs and got shitty. We left the girls to do their shopping and we found la pharmicia. I loaded up on Tramadol and Flexeril. The kid behind the counter sensing I was hip asked if I was interested in some Valium.

Does shit smell bad?

I popped one of each pill and we were on our way. I inquired what Koi and Macguyver bought (names changed to protect the guilty from the wrath of their now wives) They had each bought a pill of Viagra and were itching to try it out. They started walking into a strip cub and I said, "No no, that's not how you do it." They inquired how you did do it. I walked up to a taxi driver and asked.

"Um, Que hora es... um... Donde esta la penocia at?"

He says, "Jew wanna get some poosie?"

I say, "Yeah yeah!" and we were off.

We left the tourist district and were going through some local neighborhoods. We giggled like children after 4 cups of Sunny D knowing that this was really going to happen. I thought of all the downers I had swallowed and realized that there was no way in hell my dick had any chance of obtaining an 80 degree angle. Koi asks the cab driver, "are any of them dressed like school girls?"

The driver just chuckled as we stopped in front of a townhouse. It was an upper class neighborhood, I think. From the outside it looked like a nice place. Close to the beach, the kind I would like to own someday. The taxi driver lead us inside and assured us that he would be waiting outside.

When we walked inside It looked like a beauty salon on the first floor. There were about eight young girls dressed like Salor Moon (Koi was in heaven) milling about watching TV, doing each others hair, or working on homework. The madam (I'm guessing) clapped her hands twice and the girls lined up. She explained to us that there was a 30 dollar fee for the "massage" room. Koi chose first, he chose the cutest girl shorter than him (which is narrowed it down because he stands about 5'4".) Maguiver chose a butther face, but the body was worth it.

I had no intention of getting a girl, but what the fuck. If I was getting a massage I wanted a good one. I made my choice and the other girls and even my friends gasped.

I chose mamasita. She was 6'2" and built like a soccer player. Later my friends asked about my reasoning in this decision. I said, "Hey, I get plenty of little hot chicks, but when will my next chance be to get to bang a 6 foot light heavyweight?" And I figured it would be cheaper.

We went upstairs to the massage rooms. She instructed me to undress. I'm down to my chones and there's a knock at my door. Maguyver needed another 40 bucks for a "happy ending." Maguyver is a brother and glancing down I could understand why he was charged triple what Koi and I were charged. (He still hasn't payed me back.) I threw him the money and removed my Greatfull Dead boxers. She lathered me up in baby oil (eew) and massaged me for about a minute before asking.

"Jew only want massage?"

I inquired how much for more.

She glanced down at my shrived, Jewish, muscle relaxed member and held 4 fingers up.

I say, "4 pesos?"

She says, "No, 40 dollars."

It sounded like a bargain plus a great life experience. I could then say that I had been with a prostitute and had paid for sex. I managed to get a chubby that allowed me to get the 'Don Juan para poquito pene' condom on. I lasted for about 30 seconds before my manhood died. I shrugged my shoulders and for once had no remorse about not being able to perform. She flipped me over and finished the job.

I go downstairs to wait for my friends to finish up. I'm sitting on the couch watching some cartoon in Spanish trying to stay conscious so one of the whores doesn't steal my wallet. The girl I had just just shtupped sits down next to me. Then this toddler comes running up to her. "Mama! Mama!" She picks the kid up, whips out her tit and starts breast feeding him.

I think, "Damn, it's a good thing I'm so fucked up. Otherwise this could be traumatic."

My friends come down about 10 minutes later and the taxi is still waiting. Then I black out. I come to back on board the ship. I was passed out on a couch in a puddle of drool. In bags next to me lies 5 bottles of booze, 2 cartons of cigarettes and a dozen M-80's. I asked my friends how the hell I got passed customs with all of that shit. They said, "Oh, it was hilarious. Customs was busy with some other guy and you walked right past them. One of them grabbed your arm and you muttered 'Don't fucking touch me, I'll rip your nuts off and feed them to a chupocabra! I'm an Armenian!' and you were so fucked up they just let you on board."
(Fri 7th May 2010, 4:44, More)

» Pointless Experiments

The world's strongest magnets
Got stuck up my friends nose. Magnetically. Through his septum.

The gang and I were over at a friends house whose parents were out of town. We were hanging out, admiring refrigerator photos, looking through junk drawers, when we came across a bag labeled, "World's Strongest Magnets!" There were 2 rectangular stainless steel wafers about the size of my thumbnail. we marveled at way the magnets attracted each other through your arm. Not your hand mind you, but your arm.

So my friend Aaron, the loud, jovial one of the group puts the magnets on the outside of his nostrils. We all giggle like maniacs as his nose is pinched together and he crosses his eyes.

Did I mention we were tripping balls on acid? No? Well, we were.

So he goes to take the magnets off but they have a strong grip on either side of his nose. He tries to slide them down his nostrils but the magnets somehow flipped up inside his nostrils.

We pissed ourselves literally and physically (one of us) as Aaron's face turned beet red while he ran around waving his arms and screaming. After the initial hilarity wore off we had to figure out how to get these magnets out of his nose.

Since we were frying, we devised a electro magnetic polarity reverser that was a car battery tied to a refrigerator magnet with a torn extension cord. It didn't reverse the magnetic fields, but it did make Aaron scream more. That made us laugh more.

Finally someone sober came over and went in with a pair of tweezers. There was a lot of screaming and laughing but they did come out.

Then we went to Denny's.
(Mon 28th Jul 2008, 9:54, More)

» Guilty Secrets

..and it's still there
A while ago my slightly geriatric boss left his cell phone at work. I did what any good Christian would do and took a picture of my nut sack and assigned it for the background of his phone.

He came in later that day to get his phone and I stifled a smile as he checked his messages. It's been two months.

Not so much length as texture.
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 7:27, More)

» Family Holidays

Roll down the windows!
The only place my family ever vacationed was Las Vegas as my father was addicted to Pai-Gow Poker. On the morning before our depature my Mom took us to a 99 cent all-you-can-eat breakfast at a sleazy hotel off the strip. I must have ate about a pound of eggs and had two glasses of whole milk. Usualy at home we drank the non-fat variety. The breakfast was quite tasty and satisfing.

The drive from Vegas back to Los Angeles is about 4 hours long. It was August so it was about 40c in the Nevada desert outside. I sat in the back row of our Toyota Previa mini van. My sister was in the middle row and my parents up front. The first fart crept out of my ass about 45 minutes into the trip. The smell was indescribable. My eyes burned and I started giggling, knowing that my family would be experiencing my flavor soon. My sister started screaming and my parents got about half-way trhough asking her what was wrong before they started screaming too. The mini van's rear windows didn't roll down and my father refused to roll the windows down up front and lose the cool air. I farted about once every five minutes as the van marinated in my stench. My fart smells just kept getting worse and worse. After 2 hours of this my father was finally forced to roll down the window because he was throwing up.

And that's how I learned I was lactose intolerent. For the years after that I was expressly forbidden to drink any milk before the ride to Vegas and back.
(Fri 3rd Aug 2007, 0:22, More)