To be honest, every time you remember this, it does hurt just as much as it ever did
but after a while you start to think about it less and less.

In my whole life I never had more than one friend at a time, and I don't think I would ever have classed any of them as true, lifelong friends.

Even after I left university and started to thrive in the real world, I was still ridiculously shy and had no social skills whatsoever.

Then I met mr b3th on the internet, and decided this was the man I needed to be with. We met up at a 'bash' and I was very close to letting him get away. Desperation led me to courage I didn't know I had, and I ended up moving all the way across the country to be with him.

Since then, I have become almost unrecognisable to those who knew me at school. Even though I am the same person inside, I have an inner peace and confidence that helps me stand up for myself in almost any situation. I think I have even come to terms with things enough to let it go, and I *never* thought I would be able to do that. I know someone who didn't, and she will forever be right there at that point in her life, never getting past the fear and hatred. I didn't want that to be me.

However, I am still paralysed with fear whenever I see a group of teenagers 'hanging out' - if I hear them laugh, I can almost feel my bladder loosening a little. I just *know* they are laughing at me - I guess that visceral response will never leave me.

I also find it very hard to talk to people I don't know, being convinced their first response will be hostile. People take my reticence for aloofness and don't talk to me, because they think I don't want to be disturbed. What I have discovered, though, is that if I smile and act as if I am interested in people, they are all very happy to talk to me. After being bullied and outcast all my life, I think I can now say there are actually only two people I know who dislike me, and they can both fuck right off.

Aaaaanyway.......

I now have lifelong friends, the majority of whom I met on the Internet, which is where you find all the best people. There are very few absolute cunts on here, and the thing I've found about b3tans is that they are mostly lovely and accepting, and if you let them, would love to be your friends.

So there.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 13 May 2009, 19:32, Reply)