caught red-arsed
When I was sixteen, and first discovering the sweet, sweet delights of finally having sex, I would get my girlfriend around to my house at any opportunity to rut her brains out (Which wasn't too much of a task, dedicated Fiendish Followers may remember tales of this harridan from here - b3ta.com/questions/nemesis/post713195).

I was very happy at that time, and so were my parents. Presumably because I'd spend my early teens listening to Iggy Pop and David Bowie and discovering how to "fag-it-up" by wearing eyeliner and nail polish and all that, and my they were glad I was actually going out with a girl instead of being a creepy gay loner.

Anyway, one night I invited my girlfriend over, mumbled hellos to the parents and went upstairs to screw like only teenagers can. My father was due to go out that night and my mother, being the more tolerant parent, would be spending the evening watching It's A Wonderful Life or something equally as mothery, probably ignorant of our animal noises being made upstairs.

Come about 10pm, and on the fourth or fifth romp of the evening (memories...), I heard the front door go and my dad enter the house. I heard a bit of happy drunken mumbling in the hallway, and thinking he'd go into the living room and pass out, I carried on with my dutiful ploughing. But instead, I heard him coming up the stairs. Assuming he was a bit worse for wear and wanted to go to bed straightaway, I didn't stop my penetration session.

"Yoo-hoo!" he called up the stairs, "I've brought you both a takeaway!"

"...Great, thanks." I called back. "Leave it outside, I'll get it in a bit."

"It's from that new Chinese place!" he continued.

"Yeah fine, just leave it there, I'll get it in a second. Don't come in."

"I've already eaten my chop suey and it was great, you'll enjoy this!"

"Great. Don't come i-"

But before I could finish, he had swung open the door to this sight which must still be burned into his memory. His only son, balls-deep in his girlfriend, staring back at him with the eyes you normally see on a puppy that's just shat everywhere. An arse he had changed the nappy on numerous times was now glinting in the light from the streetlamp outside, slowly grinding to a halt before his very eyes. My girlfriend's fat, saggy tits, dribbling down her sides, now motionless.

"Oh." he said, and slowly closed the door.

Thinking it inappropriate to continue, I sadly wilted out of my girlfriend. We laid in my bed, sort of half worried and half amused by the situation. My father has obviously thought I was bringing my girlfriend round so we could listen to music and maybe kiss each other on the lips once (with no tongues), and certainly not because I wanted to put my willy in her fanny. As we nervously chuckled, I heard a booming voice from below stairs.

"GET DOWNSTAIRS!"

Hurriedly getting dressed, I sheepishly walked downstairs to find my father in a state of sheer fury. He was actually turning purple.

"Um, alright?" I said.

"For FUCKS SAKE boy, what do you think this is, a HOTEL?!"

Confused by the idea that he might have been thinking that I thought hotels were used purely for teenage sex, I went upstairs to get my girlfriend and we walked out. I walked her to her bus stop, and then made the long journey back home. On the way, I passed my grandparent's house, and obviously having heard about the commotion, my grandfather called me in.

"Now listen boy," he said, "sex is a wonderful thing. You know that now. I'm in my sixties, and I've had sex yesterday, I'll have it today, and I'll have it tomorrow. Now your father is upset but I've spoken to him and if you go over and talk to him, everything will be alright."

Everything did turn out to be alright, as my dad apologised to me the morning after by buying me a PlayStation 2.

Fucking result! A shag and GTA III all in the space of 48 hours.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 9:31, 4 replies)

fat, saggy tits?
so you were 16 and your girlfriend was what, 80?
(bomb, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 11:58, closed)

im not going to defend her
she was a fucking bloated munter
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 12:01, closed)

Fair do's for the admission

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 12:34, closed)

to be fair
at age sixteen and a good few years worth of splooge built up in my testicles, I'd have fucked Brian Blessed if I thought he had a fanny.
(Hernandez Fiendish probably won't be here until at least, say, Fri 4 Jun 2010, 12:42, closed)