» Kids say the shittiest things

Having lunch with my friend and her two kids the other day...
"I'm a froggy" says three year old Bella
"Oh aye? What animal is your brother then?" asks I
"He's a monkey!" she informs me
"Ha ha, OK, so what animal am I then?"

She ponders this for a minute or two, "Hmmm... you'rreeee, you arreeee.... A FUCKING ELEPHANT!"

I am gobsmacked and unable to even respond, the people around us look equally as shocked until her mother pipes up "AN AFRICAN ELEPHANT! Well, that's your favourite sort of elephant isn't it?!"
(Thu 23rd May 2013, 16:22, More)

» Brits Abroad

On the way back from Spain...
...there was a couple who had quite clearly had a massive argument in the airport and when we were seated on the plane they were right behind us. I could hear her huffing and puffing for the short flight, but they didn't speak to each other for almost the whole journey, until he (trying to break the ice as we landed) said "Oh, look, rain drops on the window, must be raining in Bristol" to which she screamed at the top of her lungs "OH REALLY? WELL, THANKS FOR POINTING THAT OUT TO ME, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS SPERM"
(Wed 30th Apr 2014, 16:47, More)

» Schadenfreude

i will never forget...
...that poor man running for the tube, JUST making it and squeezing himself into the already full train, only to have to doors slam shut on his head. i couldn't help but laugh out loud, but was the only person there who did, and got pretty dirty looks from everyone else.

killjoys.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 12:19, More)

» Vomit Pt2


I was 15 and had spent the five years previous fancying girls but being terrified of being AN ACTUAL GAY. At fifteen I finally realised and accepted that I was a lesbian and I was fine with it even if everyone else wasn't.

I met a 17 year old girl at a local rock and pop concert in a town nearby where she lived, turned out she was gay too and we exchanged numbers and kept in touch (though at the time nothing happened).
Eventually we decided to meet up and she got the train to where I lived to spend the night, and though nothing was said prior it was pretty clear I was going to have my first lesbian experience with her, which I was completely terrified about. So terrified in fact that as soon as she arrived at my house I decided to have a drink for dutch courage, which then turned into me downing a whole 70cl bottle of cheap vodka in about 20 minutes. As soon as I had finished it we headed into town, we made it about halfway before I decide that I was just going to go for it, dragged her round the back of a bingo hall and went to kiss her. During my first ever proper kiss with a girl I vomited in her mouth, I don't remember feeling like I was going to be sick but I remember pulling away and seeing my sick on her chin and down her shirt and her looking absolutely horrified as I continued to be sick on the street. Then I passed out.

The next thing I remember was waking up in my bathtub with her washing shit off my legs. Apparently she called three taxis and they all refused to take me anywhere because I was such a vomitty mess. She dragged me home and kept dropping me and at one point dropped me in a pile of dog shit (though part of me thinks I probably did shit myself and she was saying that to try and save me a little dignity from the evening).

The most amazing thing was that it didn't disgust her THAT MUCH and we even laughed about it in the morning and stayed friends for years afterwards. Never got to fuck her though.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 22:33, More)

» Annoying Partners

When people ask her what I do to irritate her...
...she says "Nothing". She tells people how blissfully happy we are, how we never argue, how even though we've been together for ten years there are no annoyances and that we feel sorry for other couples who aren't as amazingly blissfully happy as we are.

Irritates the fuck out of me.
(Fri 5th Aug 2011, 16:08, More)