When I was but small
I and my esteemed family were on holiday in Cornwall somewhere. I was caught short near the pool, but having too awesome a time to go all the way to the toilets back in our room, or the (probably quite nearby) public loos. The writing was on the wall, in a neat typeface 2 foot high:

It was time for a stealth-dump.

This required a combination of cunning, daring, speed, agility, and above all, bog roll. Posessing none of these things, my little self scampered off behind a bush to drop trou, make mess, and get back to the pool, leaving no-one any the wiser to my James Bond-esque poopery. Alas, this was not to be. I quickly discovered a few things about the situation that were less than ideal:

1) The ground was very spiky behind the tree.
2) This caused me to tread very gingerly on the sides of my feet.
3) Once pants were round the ankles, I was basically going to shit on them, as they were directly underneath my arse.
4) It was too late the stop this from ocurring.

I had reached the point of no return, and as such my the best of the situation by pulling my underpants taunt from both sides quickly, in an effort to catapult the offending mud-monkey from twixt my soiled undies. Spiky floor + bad balance + childhood obesity + unexpected bum cigar+ keks-round-legs-catapult-action = staggering in a small circle, whimpering due to foot pain, before tripping over my poo-covered pants and landing in a pile of my own effluence. As well as a lot of spiky things.

Realising that the situation would require some aid, and being of sound enougn mind to realise that explaining this one to my parents was pretty much guaranteed to result in some kind of kicking, I had an inspired moment. I would wipe myself down with some leaves, and stroll back, to cool off in the refreshing pool. 'A temporary setback only...' thought I- '...I AM James Bond'.

Once again though, fate conspired against me, as if an army of invisible Blofelds and Jawses and that bloke with the hatses AND that wierd midget fella, decided 'No Mr Bond, we expect you to be imminently embarrassed and shamed beyond measure'. The wiping down went badly, due to my inspired choice of stinging nettles, so with a very sore bottom, still shit-streaked all down my back and legs, with knckered feet and my hat a distant memory, I was found by a kindly stranger, shaking in a ball on the floor, a wild-eyed feral child smearing in excreta, murmuring something about living twice.

To this day, I remember my reaction was to pull a remarkably shocked face, and cover my nipple areas with my hands. Please bear in mind that I was naked from the waist down only, and thus the nipple coverage must have been some sort of gut reaction (pardon the pun). I was eventually presented to my concerned parents, and laughing sibling/cousins/assorted other JOKERS, as my own tiny golgothon.
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 16:40, 9 replies)

Oh good lord.

(twattybanjo, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 16:50, closed)

O Lord,
Good.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 17:13, closed)

Splendid.
well done! :)
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 17:16, closed)

Ha ha!
That's brilliant that is! You had me at the catapulting turd cockup part realy.....
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 18:03, closed)

Ha ha
nicely told
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 8 Jun 2010, 20:35, closed)

This is NOT
How to poo in a hedge...
( snee held his breath since, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 8:35, closed)

Oh good Lord.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 9:37, closed)

Superb!
I am still giggling like an idiot.
( Fronds are waving gently on, Wed 9 Jun 2010, 13:04, closed)

This
made me snigger.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Thu 10 Jun 2010, 2:01, closed)