The Huffy One
I am a posting virgin so please be gentle....unless i wink and hand you a tenner

Anyway, back in the mists of time (all of about a year ago), I was out for my usual evening stroll avec cigarettes, lived with parents who kinda got pissy about me smoking in the house.

Anyway I can walk quite a distant considering I'm a slightly overweight lazy bastard who'd rather be raping a cream bun than partaking in any kind of physical exercise.

Now there is a partial back story to this which runs along the lines of the fact that I have an incredibly small bladder and bowel and have been prone to sitting in extreme pain as I cook a little brown defecation cock in my intestines and shit around 3 times a day.

So as I walk and puff I am on the phone to my other half being a funny bastard and suave and sophisticated (talking about willies and boobs and stuff) I feel the usual stirrings in my internals and think its nothing but as I continue to walk it gets gradually worse until I fart to relieve some pressure and a torrent to rival Niagra sprigs forth from my loins and covers my lower portions in entirety, even getting so far as my shoes.

No being on the phone I kind of get a little worked up about all this and start running towards home. This is a bad move as running means I apparently relax my sphincter and more springs forth....for some reason I stay on the phone and stop dead in the middle of the street and start to cry and gurn and then blame my defenseless other half down the phone.

God bless the little old lady who came out of her house and allowed me in to sit on a plastic chair covered with a plastic bag until my dad came round to get me...I think that may actually be the day and hour our relationship broke down, but I suppose being a giant bender didn't help.

I also thought it would be hilarious to try and set a mates hair on fire one night whilst not realising he had used more hair spray than a taxidermist stuffing Jackie O and his hair went up in one god almighty whoosh and I, instead of attempting to rush to the poor fellows rescue managed to stand there and piss myself laughing.

And no I'm not actually 12
(progressing_rake is touching himself appropriately, Sat 19 Sep 2009, 23:51, Reply)