Hair-Shirt Hamburgers
I'm posting this from my blog, since it fits the question. People go nuts about some expensive hamburger joint, but I find most of them inedible.
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It's interesting how the laws of form and function do not apply to gourmet food. Gourmet hamburgers, in their attempt to appear to be a kind of handheld cornucopia, are almost impossible to eat with your hands. So much produce spills out of them while you eat that you need a knife and fork to clear your plate. The worst part, however, is the near insistence on the use of hard, crusty rolls.

Crusty rolls are the product of a mentality that regards food as better the more physically punishing it is to consume. Hearty chunks of fibre stuck inextricably in your teeth, gums abraded near to bleeding by the carborundum crust, flour all over your face and clothes, and filling squeezed out the back due to the rigidity of the fucking thing. Texture is fine and dandy, but sandwich something soft between two crackers and see if it stays there when you bite into the little bellows you've just created. And it's nearly impossible to tear puffy wholewheat rolls apart without a grimacing, messy gymnastics routine.

Also, whoever gave trendy eateries the suggestion that it was a good idea to replace lettuce with rocket deserves a herbal enema administered with a fucking firehose, although I suspect they'd enjoy that. When the garmish overpowers the flavour of the patty and sauce, your hamburger has failed.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 7:03, 5 replies)

Beautifully written
And clicked by a man who has fallen foul of the crusty roll and sprayed sauce over his shirt/trousers/date on far too many occasions due to those damn things.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 9:52, closed)

Thanks!
I'm very glad I'm not alone here.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 12:13, closed)

I used to have nightmares about those exotic chewy rolls that were unavoidable at lunchtime, I kept thinking when I pulled it back after a bite that there would be teeth stuck in them.
(Benzyl, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:03, closed)

Nicely written.
Have a 'click' for both your hamburgery point and also for your your prose.
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 14:31, closed)

Not just gourmet hamburgers are messy/difficult
Have you ever eaten a Big Mac?
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 16 Oct 2009, 23:51, closed)