An epic multi-post
Customer #1:

"Does your laptop get hot when it comes up with this error?"

"Erm, I have my mobile phone next to it, if thats what you mean?"


Customer #2:

"I heard IT are rolling out some new software after testing, so I've beaten them to it and installed it myself, but it doesn't work"


Customer #3:

A customer called up on a mobile (as a lot do due to only having a single phone line)

Customer: "Hi, I can't connect to the internet through Dial Up." (At least they actually know what they are using, right?)

Me: "Ok, lets just check a few settings quickly"
(procedes to check Dial Up networking, etc...)
"Ok, can you reboot your machine now please?"

* Due to "point and peck" ability and the fact that nothing I tried actually changed the situation, and Windows throwing up several seemingly random errors, it takes me 30 mins to get to this point and during the 'Wait for Windows' pause: *

Customer: "Whats the weather like there?"

Me: "A bit overcast, not too bad though."

Customer: "Thats good, its pouring down here, the telegraph pole at the end of the road was struck by lightning last night, I've not been able to connect since."

Me: "..."



Customer #4:

Customer: "Hi, I'm having trouble with my emails. I can send but can't receive."

Me: "Ok, what is your username?"

Customer: "*****, also, my desktop isn't working. Have you any problems at your end?"

Me: "No we aren't experiencing any problems here, when you say desktop, what do you mean?"

Customer: "Well, my emails aren't working, and I have a blue screen. Its been like this for 10 minutes."

Me: "Ok. A blue screen with text on it?"

Customer: "No, its just a blue screen."

Me: "Do you not have any icons or start button?"

Customer: "No, All I have is a blue backdrop. Is this what is stopping my emails at your end?"

Me: "It sounds like a problem with your computer, have you rebooted it to see if that helps?"

Customer: "Yes, I have rebooted it a few times and I assumed it was because I couldn't get my emails."

Me: "I think you'll need to look at your PC and get it working correctly before I can help you, as without a Start button or any desktop icons I can't check any email settings with you."

Customer: "Oh, so I need to sort out my emails here first?"

Me: "No..."



Customer #5:


I was once an employee at a large DIY store chain in the UK as a till jockey/general dogsbody. I had one customer ask me to scan a lawnmower's barcode to check the price was the same as on the shelf (they are drawn from the same system, so not likely to get a mismatch) it came up as £149.99.

He told me that it was too expensive, even though it matched the price tag on the shelf (!?!) and asked me to remove it from his transaction.

I proceeded to remove the item and scan a few other items. The amount came to £3.49. He paid me £3.50 and of course, got a penny change.

As he was walking away, he looked at his receipt and then stormed back over to me while I was serving the next customer, barged them out the way, then started shouting.

"You've charged me for that lawnmower! Remove it immediately!" I then proceeded to inform him that if I had charged him, the total would have been £153.48, not £3.49.

He then said: "Bring me your manager, I am not happy!"

It took my manager 10 minutes to explain this while I served the following queue of equally bemused customers.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 9:30, Reply)