the only dead bodies i've seen are those of relatives at funerals, and then when I was too young to be able to respond thoughtfully
So I asked my girlfriend (non-b3tard) for a good story from her morgue days (she worked in a morgue in Ireland, which accounts spectacularly for her sense of humor and generally bubbly personality).

"Which story do you want - the perfect murder story or the necrotic leg story?"
"Necrotic leg! Necrotic leg!" I squeal.

"So there was this fat guy... I mean FAT... like wobbles like jell-o when he walks fat... and he's diabetic. His insulin needle breaks off in his leg... and he doesn't go to the doctor for it, not even when the needle traveled deeper into his leg. So the leg gets infected, necrosis sets in, and he dies because necrotic tissue reaches his brain."

"now... the entire body is in stage 2 decomposition, which is normal for a fat dude who's been dead for a week. The leg, however, is in stage 5, which means all the fat has liquefied..." (cue me wincing and throwing my half eaten sandwich in the garbage)

"Well, removing foreign objects is part of the procedure, so we X-ray it... and this is a LOT of fat, his skin is barely containing it... so we make an incision where the needle out to be... and the skin falls apart. There's no way to find this needle. So we spend the better part of an hour, jabbing and prodding a green and liquefied leg with a pair of tweezers, until we got that goddamned needle out. At this point my scrubs are covered in death goo, and I need to use a shit ton of vinegar before I can get the smell out and go to work at the bookstore. Even then, people gave me funny looks."

Length? She can tell you all about that too.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 2:38, 5 replies)

Erm, can you ask her for the perfect murder one too?
/Irish reader
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 3:24, closed)

seconded!
We must know! :D
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 4:02, closed)

eeeuw! and yay!
simultaneously...

Thirded ^ we HAVE to hear the perfect murder story
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 10:20, closed)

and...
fourthded!
(drunkenfud, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 12:17, closed)

Bloik
*dry heave*

Gross. Can we go back to the really really sad stories now please..?

Actually, on second thoughts...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 29 Feb 2008, 12:51, closed)