That rug's just a piece of tut anyway
My dad's more of a weed smoker than a drinker. Like me, he's got quite a low tolerance for alcohol and tends to get plastered rather quickly. He's a pretty good drunk though, and usually he's lots of fun to be around.

However, this wasn't one of those times.

I must have been 16 or so, it was a school night and I was fast asleep in bed. Around midnight, my dad comes in totally shitfaced, waking up everyone in the house with his singing, stumbling into every conceivable obstacle, breaking random things and loudly shouting his apologies up the stairs.

So I roll over, wrap my pillow around my ears and try to get back to sleep. Downstairs it sounds like he's either trying to cook something or trying to break every cooking implement in the kitchen. I feel much gratitude when I hear my mum getting out of bed and grumpily traipsing downstairs. She manages to shut him up, push him upstairs and get him to bed. Apart from the intermittent sound of his giggling and my mum's shushing, all is peaceful enough to get back to sleep, and I drift off.

Next thing I know, someone is noisily opening my bedroom door. I open my eyes to see my dad standing in the doorway, swaying from side, in his boxer shorts.
"Dad?" I venture, sleepily,
"Hello son!" he beams. Then he takes two steps forward into the middle of the room, pulls out his cock, and proceeds to start pissing on the little rug in front of my bed.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I yell.
"Nothing, I'm fine, calm down" he says, making eye contact and everything.
"You fucking bastard. You fucking bastard. I'll fucking kill you. Mum! MUM! Dad's pissing on my bedroom floor!" I scream, not seeing the funny side in the least. I am now standing on my bed, yelling and calling my dad a fucking wanker.

My mum walks up behind him, smirking a little, but obviously pretty pissed off. By this time, my dad has finished his piss, and is standing in the middle of the room smiling like an idiot and wondering why everyone seems so tense. My mum grabs him and drags him back to his bedroom.
"What were you doing? You've pissed all over Levi's rug!" she says
"That rug's just a piece of tut anyway" I hear him mumble.

For some reason, he loves telling this story to people. It comes up every Christmas, and he always gets me to tell the last bit, where he says "that rug's just a piece of tut". That's his favourite bit.

I didn't see the funny side until after my dad had gone back to bed, and I had gone downstairs for a nice calming cup of tea (while my mum, bless her, scrubbed my dad's piss from my bedroom floor). I was sat at the kitchen table, and once my nerves were less frayed, I started chuckling to myself. I laughed and laughed, until I realised my dad had heard me and was laughing along from his bed. I stopped laughing, and my dad shouted downstairs "see - I knew it was funny."

Bastard.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 16:06, 3 replies)

haha
I like this! *click*
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 16:08, closed)

Hahahaha
*click*
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 16:33, closed)

I reckon he
heard me laughing too!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 25 Feb 2011, 21:36, closed)