Stupid, and rather embarrassing......
I hope no one connects this to the real me...

One bright balmy summers evening, I'm reclining on my couch recieving a spot of togerlingus from my filly (a rarity in itself!).

As I approach the Billy Mill roundabout, I suddenly remember that this particular young lady is neither a spitter not a swallower - nay, she's more of a move out of the way and say 'oooh that's horrible, look at it going everywhere' type.

Noticing that there is nothing to hand with which to shield my tee shirt and indeed my soft furnishings from the imminent (and now irrevocable) baby paste fountain, and also realising thatin my supine position I'm never gonna catch it in my dirty little mitts, I decide to clamp down on either side of the glans with thumb and finger, trapping the Oil of Goolay inside the truncheon until I can shuffle off to the water closet.

Don't do this kids. I burst my dick. At least internally. There was a nasty feeling of pressure, and then an even nastier feeling of internal rippage which quite took the fun out of the proceedings. With much panicked yelling, I let go (firing man batter up the tee shirt), and ran off to the loo.

To cut the rest of this sordid and graphic tale short, having your jap constantly drip blood for 2 days straight, and not daring to pee, let alone wank for nearly a week is not something to stick on your to-do list. I'm not even counting the vague feeling of shame going to work with half a bog roll wrapped round your cock like Mumm-Ra's sex aid so blood doesn't run down your leg and into your shoe.

Length? Unchanged, but probably bigger on the inside.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 2 Jan 2008, 0:15, 9 replies)

Your story features:
eloquence
bathos
a Mumm-Ra image
the term 'oil of goolay'



*click*
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 10:39, closed)

*confirms*
once, when receiving a less than expert hand job from a good friend, she managed to block off the urethra at the crucial moment and the only reason i didn't "burst" was some ninja wiggling ... but the first indications of pain were easily enough to get me to make sure It Never Happened Again
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 10:40, closed)

I have clicked
But I didn't like it, not one bit.

The writing however was excellent. The horrible story was very well told.

And I'm eternally grateful that I'm female and don't have to encounter this problem.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 11:45, closed)

Ooooooh!
Must do this with the next bastard that pisses me off.
( girlinthehole, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 13:07, closed)

As Jasper said..
My favourite name for it now. Shall use it on better half tonight- "fancy some Oil of Goolay, dear?"
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 15:43, closed)

you know,
This story is so funny even if I didn't speak English, I would still be laughing my ass off at "Muum Ra's sex aid, Todgerlingus and Oil of Goolay".


According to every nursing book I have, you can't burst your dick, but I don't believe them now. I wonder what else they've lied to me about?
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 15:56, closed)

I'm with chickenlady on this one...
I've clicked, but I didn't like it at all
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 16:18, closed)

@ Big-girls-blouse
Yeah, painful genital mutilation is sooo appropriate in retaliation for some slight (and let's face it, probably imaginary) infraction. Tell you what, next time some girl pisses me off I'll rape her with a knife, how's that?

@ NoveltyCondomHead
Nicely written, *clicks*
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 18:25, closed)

Awww, shucks....
I blush at your platitudes! I shall come round once the shine is off the new year and shag you all, I promise!
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 2 Jan 2008, 23:12, closed)