Trying to fit it in whilst batting for the other side.
When I was at secondary school all my mates were beginning to 'get to know' a group of girls from a nearby school and at the weekends much adolescent fumbling was taking place (with predictably differing levels of expertise and success rates.)

The weekend finally arrived where I was included for the first time and we set off to a party where it had been arranged that each of us would partner a young lady for the evening in a snogathon. By this stage everyone except me had previously (at the very least) got into someone's knickers and begun to get acquainted with female anatomy whereas I was completely clueless.

What I hadn't told my mates as we headed off to the party was that I had developed over the years a much greater attraction to male anatomy than female. The latter was a mystery I didn't really want to unravel.

However, I duly found myself determinedly snogging a girl who was singularly ill-equipped to raise my 'interest,' (lacking as she was in the willy department.) I knew I was supposed to attempt entry to her lower underwear though I was secretly hoping she would make it a no-go area. Unfortunately for me she showed no resistance at all and once I got past the underwear barrier I quite simply didn't know what to do. This soon became embarrasingly apparent to her also and she suddenly asked me whether I really fancied her. I could only say 'No, not really.'

'Well who do you fancy then?' she asked. Without thinking I blurted out the truth just at the moment the music stopped... 'Dave!'

Time stood still as 12 pairs of eyes focused first on me, then on my best mate Dave.

It's a funny thing but I never saw much of Dave after I left school. But you know, if you're out there Dave...
(Ivor Biggin, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 22:25, Reply)