The Menswear Department
For some reason, I always seem to have felt older than I am.

Musically, I became completely fucked up at a fairly early point in my life. At the tender age of eight or nine, I declared punk to be a load of rubbish and went off to listen to some classical music for a bit, at least until Kate Bush came along. Over the years, I have found no reason to dispute the soundness of that particular decision.

Around 1987, I was listening to the new Stevie Nicks album. It was crap, but I've subsequently found out that as I'd bought a limited edition version it's now worth around thirty quid, so I've actually got a profit on a bit of media that I bought (unlike all those VHS tapes). Anyhow, there was this one track with a guitar solo. It was awful, didn't really fit in with the rest of the track at all. So I was there thinking "What this needs is an accordion solo... Oh shit! Am I that far gone?"

I took to watching "Top of the Pops" with the sound down. It was more interesting that way, or at least until you started being able to work out what the act on screen was playing simply by looking at them at which point, change the channel and sod the charts. I was barely 22 at the time.

All the acts the recording industry marketed at my age group during the 90's completely missed me. The Stone Roses, Oasis, Blur, it was all shite; never connected with any of it. Coldplay? Fucking hate them! They had me agreeing with Jeremy Clarkson, and that's not on (he said they sounded like Leonard Cohen singing at his dad's funeral). There's next to bugger all that's any good come out of the mainstream in the last twenty odd years, and no sign that that's going to change in the next twenty either.

And the menswear department?

I was never the most fashionable fellow, but around 1995, I was stood in the middle of the menswear department of Littlewoods. Hardly the most inspiring of places, but I had forgotten what I went in there for. As I looked all around me looking for something to jog the memory, I realised something; nothing stood out. I was surrounded by this sea of bland, a mass of crap, dreary colour painted on a canvas of unimaginitive shapes.

Over the years, this plague has spread. Menswear departments depress me. When you've under thirty, every company wants to know you, wants to sell you stuff. But when you hit 30, that's it, they don't care any more. They think that by now they've got you hooked on whatever it is they are selling, so they move on to the next bunch of suckers. The result is, in fashion terms, that you are allowed to dress like you're in your twenties, or you get to dress like your grandfather.

Only the regulation colours allowed; black, grey, navy, brown, beige, or something that's been specially produced so that it looks dull and depressing (they could make yellow look miserable if they tried). Want trousers that fit right, don't drag your underwear about and look like someone actually bothered ironing them before stuffing them on a hanger in the store? Fuck off you fat, unfashionable old git! Want a shirt the right size, or with long sleeves? Don't be fucking awkward! Want something that actually looks good on you and doesn't make you look like a complete twat trying to dress half their age? You're 'aving a laugh!

The retailing experience in general is a complete pile of unwashed hardened wank rags, but a menswear department... that's them just rubbing your nose in it and telling you you're too old to exist let alone be wanting to buy clothes. I remember when they used to be a colour other than grey.

So I'm having a rebellion (or is it a mid-life crisis?). Punk didn't work for me, so I'm trying something else. I've been wandering around the women's department instead. Now aside from the fact that this is an area where the fashion industry really does take the piss, largely at the expense of it's customers who wind up wearing some totally ugly and repugnant shit in the name of fashion (e.g. the muffin top, leggings, the maxi dress, etc.), it is at least a lot more colourful and much more varied, and they do at least recognise that people exist between 30 and retirement, just.

OK, to be honest, I got totally fed up fruitlessly trudging around menswear stores getting nowhere and being made to feel like a middle-aged old fart, so I acquired a skirt...

Now, look! You honestly think menswear retailing has discovered the leisure kilt? They'd only manage to fuck it up if they did. If Henry VIII could get away with the tights and miniskirt look, then why can't I? Plus, if it is a mid-life crisis, it's cheaper and far less dangerous than getting a motorbike and behaving like a right cunt on the road.

It's nothing too outlandish; it's black, a-line and below the knee, but JTFC, is this thing comfortable! Ever spent the day lounging around the house in your underwear? It's like that, but everywhere! I'm half tempted to lose the underwear, but that could get tricky in a gust of wind situation. I've worn it on a couple of long car journeys, and it's solved a long standing issue with trousers where everything moves around and I wind up sitting there with my bollocks aching like they've been shoved into a vacuum packing machine and someone hit the start button because everything has gotten squashed up against the uncompromising crotch fabric.

It's also new and fun and interesting. I don't have to be concerned with having to fit myself around fashion, 'cos, well, it's not exactly an "in" thing in men's fashion, and since there's a load of designs which are pretty much timeless, you don't have to wind up feeling like some old coot in their 20 year old son's clothes. I'm out of fashion in this thing by about 500 years, but so what? Oh, and they're simple enough for a little DIY construction, although I really aught to learn to sew in a straight line!

Am I rambling? Sorry, what was the question again, sonny? Nurse! Nurse! Is it time for my medication yet? Get my melodeon, I want to annoy the neighbours some more!

Length? A couple of inches below the knee.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 17:57, 2 replies)

dear morrissey,
please shut the fuck up.

lots of love,

Earth xx
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 13 Jun 2012, 23:21, closed)

So what that all leads up to
is that you sometimes wear womens clothes?

fair enough, but all this stuff about how trousers are uncomfortable etc, that doesn't really stand up to any scrutiny.

It's not a criticism or anything, but surely you just wear one because it makes you feel good, or just different? It's not that trousers are bad, it's that skirts are good, right?
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Jun 2012, 10:35, closed)