If there is a hell, I am going!
Twenty some years ago I was a graduate student living in an old farm house in the country in Appalachia (think hillbillies, moonshine, Appalachian Mountains, and religious folk dancing with rattlesnakes to show that faith in God keeps them safe). During this time I had a very large dog. He was half Rhodesian-Ridgeback and half Collie-Lab. He was huge and also had longer hair than a pure Ridgeback and his ridge looked like a big Mohawk haircut. Even though he looked ferocious, he was very nice with his mother’s personality and never barked at people.

When I say he didn’t bark at people, that isn’t strictly true. He had an unerring ability to know when the religious freaks were coming and would start barking even before the car or van full of crazy people trying to convert me would be visible. When they would stop, he would stand by the car and bark like crazy until they left. Then he would get a treat.

For a while there was also a very pretty married woman living with me (long story which in itself would probably send me to hell if it existed). It was very hot there in the summer and she liked to wear just a small bikini, the likes of which were not seen in this part of the country.

One hot day, we were outside working in my garden and the dog started barking like crazy. Oh shit I said to my friend, the crazies are coming. When a van full of these people pulled into my driveway, instead of just ignoring them, she wanted to listen to them never experiencing such a think in her native Austria. I went over to the van and grabbed the dog telling the people not to get out because I couldn’t trust him. They started talking to me about religion and I told them I was a geologist and believed in evolution which got them going. My friend then came up in her TINY bikini (and somewhat high heels) and draped herself on my arm. The eyes of everyone in the van immediately grew as big as grapefruits with the men probably becoming hornier than ever before in their lives and the women wanting to kill regardless of what Jesus said.

I was getting sick of them and asked them to leave. They then asked “Doesn’t your WIFE want to hear the truth of Jesus”. I said: I don’t know SHE isn’t MY wife. They gasped, glared at me, and immediately left. For the next year and a half I lived there while finishing my degrees, not one religious nut ever bothered me again. She got a good treat soon after they left!

I did find a black X on my door one day though (just kidding about the X but the rest of the story is completely true).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 17:33, Reply)