My Childhood Stories
Having no children of my own (be grateful, the world is a better place without my demonspawn running amok) I may as well regale you with three lovely tales from my childhood.

Cigarettes are bad, m'kay

As a young'un (old enough to walk, not old enough to know any better) I was capable of eating most anything that wasn't nailed down, and if I could pry it up it wasn't nailed down well enough; I also could fit anything smaller than a two seater sofa in my mouth (slight exageration, but not far from the truth). I was at my grandparents house for a visit and my young eyes were transfixed by a glass dish on a side table, normally filled with candy. Today however the glass dish was filled with small pale tootsie rolls (candy from the states, very nice) and thus I consumed the whole lot.

Turns out that they weren't candy at all, was rushed to hospital and spent several days being monitored for nicotine poisoning - yes, I'd eaten an ashtray of cigarette butts. Got my grandma to quit smoking though.

Smell of a Man

Not long after my brush with death at my grandparents, I am once again clibming my way through the obstacle course called home getting into all sorts of small-child hi-jinks; left with a babysitter for the evening, and therefore to my own devices, it wasn't long before we had a situation on our hands. Parents return from a night out enjoying each others company sans the human garbage disposal (me if you're curious) to find the babysitter asleep in the lounge and Jr. nowhere to be found.

Then came the giggling......

Upstairs they came to find the source of the childish laughter, in their room they found young UncleChuckles parked on top of their dresser - a full 4 feet from the ground with no obvious means of clambering up - giggling like a loon. Why was he giggling, they did ask themselves and as my father approached he had his answer. The smell was horrific, my breath was like some tangy nosehair melting weapon of mass distarction. Why was my breath so bad?

Amazing what drinking an entire bottle of (expensive) aftershave will do. Yes the reason for my mirth and my breath of death was that I was drunk as a lord from drinking an entire bottle of aftershave - delicious.

Babies and electricity don't mix

I have for all my life been fascinated with electricity, a love that started when I was still in diapers. Longingly would I gaze at power outlets and be amazed at the life giving power that they delivered to devices all around the house; my curiousity was peaked, and if you haven't already guessed, this is a very dangerous thing. While my parents were out doing the weekend shop, I was left under the watchful eye (they would have been were he not asleep) of my uncle and my chance was upon me. I crawled to the kitchen - I had yet to master walking without the aid of a parent holding me up - and made my way for the cutlery drawer. A fork was my goal.

Having procured my fork - an almighty task in itself seeing as it was in the top drawer some three feet up (I swear that as a child I had spidey-ninja climbing skills) I returned to the dining room to exlore the magic portal of an electrical socket.

My uncle awoke to all the circuits clacking out and the smell of smoke and pork. I was later found in the entrance room (across the house from the dining room) with all my hair on end, singed around the edges and with the almightiest grin of delight on my face. The scary thing is I still get the grin whenever I'm in close proximity to lethal amounts of electricty today (I'm an electrical engineer).

Click I Like This if you think it's best that I never pass on my obviously corrupt seed.

Length? About 20ft across the house, smelling of pork....
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 9:38, 5 replies)

it's 'piqued', dammit
god, it's not hard, is it?
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 9:48, closed)

Drinking aftershave
Old Spice tastes foul.


*Click*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 9:57, closed)

Spelling
If I could spell I would have become a god-damned Lawyer or other professional that requires perfect english.

And yes, Old Spice does taste awful, but I'd rather have that than Boss Bottled - eeeeeewwww, tastes like bumgay :)
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:16, closed)

my brother did the same thing
not once, but twice. thrown clear across the room with his baby-white hair decidedly more burnt-looking
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

Takes off shoes to count the times......
Since that day as a toddler, I've lost count of the times that I've managed to pass electricity through my body. I just never seemed to learn the lesson that it was dangerous, hasn't done me much harm as is anyway.

Twitches and smokes before returning to the shadows.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 21:34, closed)