Dear you.
When we met I thought you were really sweet. The first few times we exchanged banter I knew you had a boyfriend and kept my distance accordingly. That time a few weeks later when I bumped into you in the pub, you told me you'd split up with him and we ended up getting pissed in the park and snogging, I bounced around like crazy when you left. Finally, someone was interested in me, she was fun and sexy and obviously into me.

When you called me a couple of weeks later telling me your dad had kicked you out, I said you could stay with me for a few days until you got your shit together. You came and stayed, and climbed into my bed that first night and did naughty things to me and I was elated and instantly hooked. After so long alone, someone wanted me.

A few weeks on, you told me you were pregnant. As you'd said you were on the pill this came as a huge shock, but I told you I'd stick by you because it felt like I loved you and I thought it was The Right Thing To Do. A scan revealed you were carrying twins which was also shocking and terrifying but I stuck by you.

A few weeks passed and you came to me while I was at lunch and told me you'd had a miscarriage. I was gutted, of course, so you comforted me by telling me it was ok, you'd got pregnant again. I remember almost fainting with confusion there in the sunshine and my brain screaming at me that this was all wrong, that you were crazy, flashing back to a few nights previously where we'd had sex and we lay in each other's arms and you asked what I'd do if you lost the babies and I told you I'd prefer to wait for two or three years until we got a stable financial footing before trying again for kids, especially as we'd only really been together ten weeks. I deflected these warning sirens because I was In Love and dedicated and it was The Right Thing To Do.

When things progressively went to shit, when your lies became more obvious and started eating away at my soul, when you started being confrontational and argumentative and just downright nasty, I stuck with it because you were carrying our child and my blind determination that I'd continue to support that child no matter what drove me to ignore the bad things and try to stick with you.

The day we went to hospital to bring our daughter into the world, I loved you more than anything I've ever loved despite all the shit. I loved you right up until she slithered noisily into this world and you told the doctor to give her straight to me when she was all cleaned-up. I took hold of her and her bright blue eyes looked straight into mine and pierced my soul. I put the tip of my little finger in her mouth and as her first action in a cruel world she suckled on my fingertip and captured my heart forever. At that moment all my love for you drained away and transformed into my paternal instinct.

For the first two weeks of her life I did every single one of our daughter's night feeds to give you a rest and let you recover from the birth. This was the only time I had alone with her and I'd sit up in our mattress and feed her quietly while you slept, all the time staring in awe and this tiny bundle of wonder we'd made from so much hurt.

In the storm after the calm, once the shine had worn off, I spent a long time trying to bolster myself for the long haul. Every fight we had was put aside, every lie I caught you out on was brushed under the carpet and not brought up. Unfortunately my resolve became weaker and weaker as I was worn down, things got worse for both of us and we had some truely horrible fights, sometimes physically bruising but always mentally scarring.

Ultimately my resolve broke and I called time on the relationship, a week before our daughter's first birthday. At her Christening and birthday party we carried on as if everything was ok, while at home we argued about who should move out and who should get the kitchen implements. When you finally left for good you walked out of the house and down the path with our daughter over your shoulder looking back at me and that image is as clear in my mind now as that moment.

In the years that followed you ripped every spare quid out of me. You bullied me and threatened to stop me seeing our daughter if I didn't bow to your wishes. You pushed me and pulled me and tricked me and twisted me and I just got on with fortnightly weekend visits and paid my way and loved those smiling bright blue eyes that pierced my being every time they locked with mine.

A few years later and you split up with your guy and took off to the other side of the country I missed our daughter like mad but paid my way. When you had a medical emergency and daughter ended up coming back here and living with her step-dad, I supported that. When you didn't come to get her, I was surprised but secretly quite pleased. When you finally returned and scrabbled around desperate for some mug to dig your claws into and give you a roof over your head, I revelled quietly in the irony. When you finally pissed him off and moved onto the next poor sap, I pitied you. When you'd sucked out his soul and moved out into a proper house and finally got our daughter back, I thought it might work. When you got kicked out of that house and moved in with yet another humble, supportive nice guy, I diligently took our daughter every fortnight, got my 'fix' and delivered her back into your care again, unquestioningly.

When our daughter told me things about you and your behaviour and your treatment of her and her siblings, it tore me apart inside but all I could do was tell her I was there for her if she needed me. When we were out walking once and she told me how scared she'd been of you when you held her brother down and screamed in his face and she sobbed in my arms while trying to form the words, I knew change probably wasn't very far away. When it finally came, I did what I knew I must do, what I promised I'd and took our daughter in. Eleven months later, after many meetings with social services and solicitors and organising access and having that access cancelled by you at short notice, I can confidently say that you're gradually pushing our daughter further and further away from you. Don't get me wrong, she's pretty happy and resilient and strong and forward-thinking and it bugs the shit out of me that she still wants anything to do with you despite how you've treated her, but she's free to do what she needs to be happy and I'll never stand in her way.

It took me a long time to get past all that happened between us. I wouldn't change it for the world because we made the most beautifully wonderful human being in the history of the earth and she makes me so proud every single day. I just hope that you can come to terms with who you are before you throw away the chance to be part of our daughter's life forever.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:27, 9 replies)

glad things have worked out for you old son

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:33, closed)

There's a hell of a long way to go yet
and it's fucking hard work, but by god it's worth it.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:34, closed)

sounds like you are doing well though
so props to you
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:54, closed)

Every cloud
has a blue eyed silver lining!
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:42, closed)

Not all men are bastards
You are a good guy, and your daughter will benefit from that. You gave her mom plenty of chances. Stay strong :)
(LittleWhiteTreat, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:50, closed)

Seriously
That was beautiful. Tragic, sad and uplifting allatonce.
(mersault, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:42, closed)

All the best for you and your daughter's future mate :)

( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:58, closed)

Wow,
Good luck
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 16:10, closed)

Blimey.
Keep it up, chap. Good work. *clicky*
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 17:19, closed)

Best of luck
*clicks*
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 17:29, closed)

Your daughter's blessed with a wonderful Dad and I hope the road ahead gets easier for you both. Good luck xx
( Ethel Le Crisp, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 18:51, closed)