» Cringe!

A Tale of Lust, Hanson and Dumb Waiters
How I wish I could claim this story as my own, but lamentably it belongs to the singer from my band, a source of constant amusement.

Many years ago Earl (name changed slightly to protect the guilty) was courting a young lady with high prospects, this had been underway for some time and he had finally got to the stage of being invited back to hers for, he hoped, the opportunity to make the beast with two backs.

On arriving at her gaff he finds that this is a large 3 storey Victorian affair in which the girl lives with her parents.

Metaphorically rubbing his hands with glee, Earl skipped merrily* up the stairs to the bedroom of this comely young lady.

(*may not have skipped merrily)

I feel at this stage that I should point out the due to his appearance Earl had been mistaken on several occasions for the oldest one out of that shit band Hanson. Tall, long face, long blonde hair.

Thus, stepping into the shrine to Hanson that was this girl's bedroom was quite a shock to him.

Every square inch of the walls was covered by posters of Hanson, and the oldest one in particular.

Naturally, as he was likened to the guy from Hanson quite a lot in those days (these days it's Chris Martin, not sure which is worse) he didn't take this as a coincidence and thought that he should make like a truck full of donkeys and haul ass!

Hastily making his excuses he left the room and made to leave the house.

Here the story should end, and that would be fairly cringeworthy in itself but no, Earl is well known among his friends for not really thinking things through before he does them.

Fortunate for us as we have a long list of hilarious stories to listen to, but I hope that my band will get at least one album recorded before he does himself some serious mischief.

Most of us would have indeed left the house via the stairs and the door, but Earl had other ideas. As he passed the dumb waiter that serviced the top floor of this house I can only assume that the thoughts running through his mind (if any) involved "When am I going to get another chance to do this?"

Without hesitation he clambered into the dumb waiter (I'm assured it was a large dumb waiter) and slammed the door shut behind him.

and plummeted 3 stories to come crashing down in the kitchen in an explosion of wood which quite surprised the girl's father who was in the kitchen at the time.

Usually by this point in the tale we are all laughing so hard that the narrative runs dry, but as far as I can tell the guy was so dazed by the fact that some young moron had ridden his dumb waiter in some kind of insane death plunge that he escorted Earl from his house and nothing more was said of it.

I do know that my mate never saw or spoke to the girl again.

Hopefully this will amuse. If so, or even if not, I might decide to share with you some other incidents from Earl's back catalogue, such as the Indiana Jones incident, or the Dog Rape....
(Tue 2nd Dec 2008, 13:41, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

The girl I liked...
and had been seeing had recently decided she wanted some muff action and had started seeing a fellow woman.

Due to me still liking her, this information was kept from me as apparently I would freak out and smash things up or something...

Now, I pride myself on being particularly observant and also pretty good at telling what people are thinking/feeling.

Using these skills I deduced that something odd was going on, and what it was and confronted my mate Dan with my suspicions which he confirmed.

I didn't mind that she had started indulging in a spot of cunning linguism; frankly, I'd rather I was defeated by another woman in this respect. what I did object to was that all my mates had such little regard for my powers of observation and my formidable intellect.

I ran through a few schemes for revenge and the best of these went a bit like this:

during one of the usual congregations of people in our house I offered to make drinks.

Whipping out a pre-prepared prop that I had created by sticking some furry material around the rim I said to the now-rug-muncher, "here, you can drink from the furry cup"

looks on faces etc. were priceless.

I suppose that didn't really teach 'em as it were, but it made me feel good without alienating my close friends.

A small triumph.

that is all
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 15:09, More)

» Advice from Old People

My brother once told me
when I was young and he was slightly older, that if you fart, sneeze and burp at the same time you become immortal...

or explode.

you have to ask yourself, is eternal life worth the risk of premature death?
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 13:01, More)

» Spoilt Brats

My cousin
I am quite a placid and mild mannered chap and have always been so.

My younger cousin was a bit of a spoilt brat and delighted in stealing my toys and/or breaking them when we were younger.

I'm reliably informed that one such time I wouldn't take any more and my parents, grandparents and aunt and uncle found me sat astride said cousin bashing his head into the floorboards.

Aghast, my grandmother said to mine Uncle "Aren't you going to stop him?"

Uncle: "naa, he deserves it"

Guess he wasn't that spoilt after all.
(Thu 9th Oct 2008, 14:42, More)

» Guilty Secrets

just remembered my actual guilty secret....
I've only ever related the full extent of this to one person, and will now share it with you.

I had been seeing my ex for two and a half years. Both of us happy and in love for most of the time, albeit I was stoned at least half of it.

We had been living together before we got together at uni, and continued to do so throughout the whole of our relationship. this never caused any troubles.

We shared the same group of friends, a very close group, and everyone got on amazingly well. (and smoked a lot of dope)

it happened that on my course there was a girl who I had liked from pretty much the moment I met her (before I met my ex), she was attached at the time unfortunately, and I was a long-haired overweight metaller. not a good basis for a relationship.

This girl and I became good friends to the extent of sitting together in pretty much every lecture we had for 4 years; we had an arrangement whereby she informed of what work I needed to do and by when, and I checked hers for spelling and grammar. This worked beautifully for both of us.

There was never any thought of a relationship between us until towards the end of our final year at uni we had a field trip to Barcelona, and it became apparent to each of us seperately (when incredibly drunk) that after another month or so that we might not see each other again. (I was no longer a long-haired overweight metaller)

Nothing happened on this trip save for a couple of hours holding hands (possibly some of the happiest hours of my life, and I was unbelievably, rip-roaringly drunk. Three sheets to the wind. Nissed as a pewt. etc.)

On return from Barcelona we parted, with some thinking to be done.

At this point I had decided that my future with the (now ex) girlfriend was not going to be to my liking. Frankly she was becoming a little annoying.

Coupled with this, on a night out with some coursemates, the new girl and I again ended up holding hands and repaired back to hers for a talk (and talk we did). we also shared the best first kiss one could imagine.

I walked home on cloud 9, although with every step closer to my house it was coming home to me that I'd have to split up with my (then current) gf, who I lived with, shared a group of friends with, and who was in the middle of writing her dissertation and would shortly have her finals...

this left me in a dilemma. my nature wouldn't let me break things off with her due to the things mentioned above, and clearly I couldn't continue the way things had been. I wanted to be with the new girl.

So I broke the news to the current gf that I wasn't sure if I loved her anymore, and needed some time to think about it. This led to me jetting off to Swansea for a few days to visit my mate at uni there and going on a massive bender (I think)

a few days later I returned to work on my dissertation etc. to find that my gf had gone to home to work on hers thus leaving me in relative peace.

Now, at this stage I didn't know who knew what out of my friends, so I resolved to keep as much to myself as I could. Spending all day in the library or computer room revising and writing my dissertation and coming home in the evening to lock myself in my room, smoke fags (had given up pot for the duration of this) and chat with the new girl on msn.

Some afternoons were spent in the arms of the new girl, never going that far, but far enough to make me feel somewhat guilty about my double life.

this went on for some time as exams were dealt with and dissertations finished.

One day I was at home and my old gf had been shopping in town. I had finally insisted to myself that today was the day I had to break up with her, regardless of how hard it would be.

I see her arrive by taxi via the gift of my window, and basically run upstairs, bursting into my room.

Her bag and contents including phone, wallet etc. had been stolen while trying on shoes

(a lesson here for you girls)

I naturally tried to comfort her. While I didn't want to be with her anymore, I still cared for her very much, and respected her as well.

Unfortunately she detected "something wrong with my hug" and decided that I did indeed not love her anymore.

This led to the breakup where I uttered all the cliches (It's not you, it's me etc.)

The part I felt guilty about (and did up until I heard that our friends had found out the truth some time later and informed me that I did the right thing) is this:

she repeatedly and insistently, whilst staring at me, asked if there was someone else. I went through a massive debate in my head in a split second, looked her in the eye and said a clear, firm "No"

this was repeated several times with her asking "why don't I believe you?"

eventually this passed, there was some awkwardness, and I once again, drove to Swansea for an almighty 3 day bender in relief and celebration.

I've seen her once or twice since then, and things were awkward (what can I say, I'm awesome, I affect people) but now things are all good, she's happy, and the new girl is the current Mrs Vipros of 3 years and counting. we are just about to buy our second place together.

I'm certain I did the right thing. and the few people who I've told or who know the story have backed me up on that, so I feel vindicated.

The moral of this story is that while honesty is the best policy, a lie if delivered effectively and with conviction can save someone you care about a lot of heartache.

and save you from a whole load more explaining!!!

many apologies for length, but it's wasted my last half hour of work, and I like to think it's a reasonably interesting tale.

if I've blurred any details, and you are dying to know more then message me and I'll try and clear things up.

that is all
(Mon 3rd Sep 2007, 16:50, More)