Paulshit
Thought I'd break my longstanding lurking to tell you all about Paul. Paul was an assistant manager at the video rental store that I worked at between the ages of 16 and 19*, and he would lie. A lot. Nobody knows why he did it, especially as he always got caught out, whereupon the lies would spin out of control and he would stomp off in a huff. Amongst the spectacular fibs he told were...

1. His father had taken him to the Return of the Jedi set at Elstree studios as a child, and he had been allowed to keep a Stormtrooper's rifle. When asked to produce said prop, he said he'd had to leave it behind when he'd legally divorced his parents -- the same parent he lived with at the time.

2. He had just left the Army after seving as the youngest Lieutenant in British history.

3. Apropos of the previous porky, he had apparently spend a good few harrowing years in the Gulf... but he didn't like to talk about it. We worked out that that would have made him a serving officer at the age of thirteen or so -- truly the youngest Lieutenant in British history!

4. He couldn't drive a car because he had a metal plate in his head (from the Gulf war, donchewknow) and the car's engine would cause it to vibrate against his brain, sending him to sleep. Five minutes later he was chatting about the Honda Goldwing motorcylce he was going to buy next month. When asked how he had overcome the metal plate problem, he actually stated that motorocycle engines vibrate at a different frequency, and therefore kept him awake and alert.

5. He was so highly trained in martial arts that he could kill you with his thumb.

6. Second "best" lie -- he had busted knees becaus ewhilst flying a helicopter in the Gulf war the undercarriage was shot out from underneath him by Iraqui forces and he was forced to land the craft with his feet in order to save the passengers. Yes, that's right... Flintstones-style.

6. "Best" lie ever -- inexplicably, he managed to get married. He was married for about six months, before he got fired from the store for blatant theivery on a grand scale. At this point a saner man would have come clean with what had happened... but not Paul Oh, no. Instead, Paul kept his video store uniform and left the house every morning as if her were going to work. Yes, that's right... Family Guy-style. Quite how explained the lack of wages I'll never know, but kudos to him for trying, I guess!

Length? His nose put Pinocchio's to shame!


*If you're reading this, Richard Law... get in touch!
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 15:28, 2 replies)

Brilliant!
The helicopter landing is superb!
(Jack of Hearts, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 15:51, closed)

Tell me about it...
And I swear to the Lord Almighty, he actually said it with a straight face. The more you called him on his BS, the more elaborate his back-pedalling became (as evidenced by the "motorcycle incident"), so after a while the rest of decided to keep him going with gentle prods, but otherwise let him think that we believed him. It was always more fun that way...!
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 19:11, closed)