» Kids

Is it wrong that I find this funny?
Possibly the funniest thing I ever heard about a kid comes from a colleague of mine.

Imagine the scene: breakfast, about 7am, mother and two-year-old son munching on their toast. All is quiet... no sound save the ticking of the clock. And then, apropos of absolutely nothing, junior speaks.

"Mummy?"
"Yes, darling?"
"CUNT."

Class. :)
(Mon 21st Apr 2008, 9:52, More)

» Your first cigarette

Ending The Smoking Debate
If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do what I do -- repeat their own arguements back to them, but replacing the words "smoke" and "smoking" with "wank" or "wanking". As in...

"It's my legal right to wank in public."
"The government shouldn't be able to tell us where or when we can wank."
"I should be allowed to wank on the bus/train/plane."
"If non-wankers don't like me wanking they can stand somewhere else."
"Who says wanking sections in restaurants put people off their food?"

Now, inevitably these people will point out, probably in a self-righteous or disgusted fashion, that smoking and wanking are two entirely different things. In response you can tell them you agree, because --

1. No-one ever died from second-hand wanking.
2. Wanking never gave anyone a terminal disease.
3. Except in extreme cases, and every human being between the ages of roughly 12 - 16, wanking isn't addictive.
4. Millions of pounds of our tax money doesn't get wasted each year helping adults that should know better to quit their wanking habit.
5. Very few people wank around their children and claim it doesn't do them any harm.
6. The government can't levy a tax on wanking.
7. When enjoyed responsibly, wanking doesn't make your hair, clothes or breath smell, and any stains are machine-washable.

Now, I actually don't have anything particularly against smokers, but it's always amusing watching the more self-righteous amongst them struggling with the undeniable fact that my filthy habit is no worse than theirs when you get down to brass tacks...
(Sun 23rd Mar 2008, 19:56, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

I actually got caught NOT having a wank...
My mother is disabled due to tremendous problems with her legs. Many years ago, when I was a lad of 17, she could still walk but regularly popped sleeping tablets at night so she could sleep through the pain. The only problem was that they took a great deal fo time to kick in and basically sent her tripping while they took effect. I used to work regular late shifts at the local video rental place and would frequently hear her stomping about the place after I got home, trying to have a conversation with the dog or something whilst the tablets took effect.

One evening I'm sitting quietly in my room, still in full uniform from work, having a game of Dungeon Keeper II on my PC before going to bed. Suddenly my bedroom door flies open and in stomps mother branding a fluffy clean towel.

"Will you please stop wanking into towels?!!" she says, stoned out of her gourd. I blinked in surprise. Possibly I didn't hear her correctly.
"I'm sorry?" I asked.
"We've got perfectly good tissue paper in the bathroom! Use that instead!" she says, giggling like a halfwit.
"Mother," I said in the self-righteous tone I was prone to using when irritated, "I assure you that I have not been wanking into towels. Besides, that one is clean as a whistle. I suspect you've just grabbed it from the airing cupboard."
"No, you've been using it for your self-abuse!"
"Uh-huh." I replied. "Good-night, mother."

The funny thing was that though at the time I was single, desperately horny and was therefore masturbating for Britain, I really hadn't been using towels, dirty or otherwise, to clean up my man-milk.

So insulted and wounded was I from the mere accusation that I waited until she had gone to bed, grabbed the cleanest, whitest towel I could find from the airing cupboard, cracked one off into it, refolded it and placed it back in the middle of the pile.

Petty retaliation? Me? ^_^
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 13:38, More)

» Evil Pranks

Chavs are fun...
I was at the office xmas do last week, and ended up drunkenly chatting with the, uh, "laddier" guys from my department. In a flash of twisted inspiration, I asked the nearest one if he liked bukake.

"What's bukake?" he asked.
"Oh, it's a band." I said. "New age R&B shit. A lot of girls like guys who are into bukake."

Cue four pissed-up lads staggering about a famous London venue, asking random strangers and colleagues whether they're into bukake. One guy even asked the vp of finance...
(Sun 16th Dec 2007, 0:45, More)

» Pathological Liars

Paulshit
Thought I'd break my longstanding lurking to tell you all about Paul. Paul was an assistant manager at the video rental store that I worked at between the ages of 16 and 19*, and he would lie. A lot. Nobody knows why he did it, especially as he always got caught out, whereupon the lies would spin out of control and he would stomp off in a huff. Amongst the spectacular fibs he told were...

1. His father had taken him to the Return of the Jedi set at Elstree studios as a child, and he had been allowed to keep a Stormtrooper's rifle. When asked to produce said prop, he said he'd had to leave it behind when he'd legally divorced his parents -- the same parent he lived with at the time.

2. He had just left the Army after seving as the youngest Lieutenant in British history.

3. Apropos of the previous porky, he had apparently spend a good few harrowing years in the Gulf... but he didn't like to talk about it. We worked out that that would have made him a serving officer at the age of thirteen or so -- truly the youngest Lieutenant in British history!

4. He couldn't drive a car because he had a metal plate in his head (from the Gulf war, donchewknow) and the car's engine would cause it to vibrate against his brain, sending him to sleep. Five minutes later he was chatting about the Honda Goldwing motorcylce he was going to buy next month. When asked how he had overcome the metal plate problem, he actually stated that motorocycle engines vibrate at a different frequency, and therefore kept him awake and alert.

5. He was so highly trained in martial arts that he could kill you with his thumb.

6. Second "best" lie -- he had busted knees becaus ewhilst flying a helicopter in the Gulf war the undercarriage was shot out from underneath him by Iraqui forces and he was forced to land the craft with his feet in order to save the passengers. Yes, that's right... Flintstones-style.

6. "Best" lie ever -- inexplicably, he managed to get married. He was married for about six months, before he got fired from the store for blatant theivery on a grand scale. At this point a saner man would have come clean with what had happened... but not Paul Oh, no. Instead, Paul kept his video store uniform and left the house every morning as if her were going to work. Yes, that's right... Family Guy-style. Quite how explained the lack of wages I'll never know, but kudos to him for trying, I guess!

Length? His nose put Pinocchio's to shame!


*If you're reading this, Richard Law... get in touch!
(Mon 3rd Dec 2007, 15:28, More)