I'm not cleaning it up if it explodes
When I met my (wonderful, love of my life, should have told the story in the Flirting QOTW) boy all was well in bed. Better than well. Awesome. Except for one thing. I'm not an expert on the male anatomy, but you know the bit that's meant to go back and forth? It just... didn't. Occasionally it would go back, but getting it to go forth again was difficult. Very difficult. And red. And sore.

Combined with my concern for my dearest beloved and the continuation of his sexing abilities, I didn't really fancy having to deal with blood and viscera should it ever happen to explode. This looked likely on occasion. So, after much cajoling I got him to go see the doctor.

Doctor's response? Bang, no sympathy, booking you in for a circumcision, put your trousers back on.

Cue much worrying (over Xmas) and anxiety and buying of DVDs for the inevitable week of housebound-ness (BattleStar Galactica SE1-4, watched it all in three weeks). The day rolls round. Had to wait a bit, but nothing you don't expect for the NHS, and annoyingly, they wouldn't let me in to wait with him or hear any of the post-op instructions. Did see older couples going in to day surgery together, perhaps they thought my youth meant I'd start stealing drugs and graffitying the screens.

So anyway, he comes limping out, looking a bit green, and we decide he'll get a taxi home while I walk, giving me the chance to pick up some painkillers - yup, they don't give you anything, even if you beg for morphine.

I get in the door about 10 minutes later to the worst thing I have ever seen.

I don't know if anyone here (barring doctors and nurses) has seen a newly circumcised penis before - even if you've had it done, you're told to leave it bandaged for 3 days so unless you're bizarrely fascinated by the sight of your own cock covered in blood, swollen to three times its girth, with stitches all around the head like Frankstein, I doubt many people will have witnessed this. It was horrendous.

The bandage, the amazing techno bandage we were told would last three days had come off in the taxi. The reason? The nurse hadn't taken the plastic off the side that sticks to the wadding. Tool. Luckily, he'd be skeptical enough about the three-day rule (as in "erm, how am I meant to piss?") to get them to give him spare kit, but we were still faced with the oozing, enormous (in a bad way) cock to deal with and no idea how to get the bandages to work.

Cue 10 minutes of practice which, if they were bad for me, must have been 40 times worse for him. Every touch is murder, and I'm mangling away with sticky bandages and tape. Didn't help he'd failed to trim his (luxuriant) pubes - ever accidentally anchored your penis to your body, tip facing up, by catching a pube in tape, then standing up? The force of gravity either rips the pube out or pulls the tape off. Either way, bonus pain to add to your experience.

I don't want to be too down on the NHS but the complete lack of advice and post-op support (phone line was always busy and didn't work weekends so we had to go to A&E when he popped a stitch, who were great) was just unnecessary. It would hardly cost any more to have provided us with a leaflet, let me ask some questions, and to put the fucking bandage on properly in the first place.

We call it the week of the Frankenpenis.
(bolshevette, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 13:54, 10 replies)

Great read this but just one minor point:
'the bit that's meant to go back and forth'.

What the FUCK is THIS??? Do I have one of these??? If I do I'm not aware of it??? Is my cock supposed to change into something else with additional moving parts like a fucking TRANSFORMER???

Got me worried - must be a mutant. I have a mutant cock. SHIT!!!

Apart from that, great post and CLICK!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:01, closed)

I think it's called a foreskin.

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:17, closed)

THANK FUCK FOR THAT
Got one of those. Thought I was missing some extra kit, dunno, wings or stabilizers or something...

Now I can go about my business as normal, safe in the knowledge that I do, indeed, possess a foreskin.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:20, closed)

Without going into too much detail,
I've found that a Swedish au-pair can do the same job. But with added vigour.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:23, closed)

Good story well told
No click for use of 'cue', though. Next time, eh?!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:38, closed)

Oh dear
I'm visiting the doctor in a couple of weeks about this. I was quite relaxed.

Now I'm worried.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 14:56, closed)

If they make you have the chop
I would recommend

- trimming your pubes a couple of days before hand, nice and short but not stubbly-short (don't want ingrowing hairs to add to stitches

- getting some good tight y-fronts (sexy!) for post-op walking around

- taking pics to check the healing process (you wouldn't believe how precious men are about their cocks, and how much you convince yourself it's not healing til you see pics... oh no, maybe you would...). Plus you can post them to lads' mags and get money for your wound exhibitionism

- watching the nurse with a FUCKING HAWKEYE when she's faffing with what are, essentially, plasters.
(bolshevette, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 16:40, closed)

I've had first hand experience of this
I wasn't given any dressing though, only 'special pants'... It itched like fuck as i remember, to the extent that it was so unbearable that I'd pick at the scabs, and was duly sore as fuck after.

A couple of years previous to this choppage they'd attempted to 'stretch' my foreskin, failed and torn it, but somehow neglected to tell me this when I was coming to, so I had the nice surprise of pissing blood (fire) with no warning...
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 1:01, closed)

Click
For the phrase "the week of the Frankenpenis"
(Le Grenouille, Sun 14 Mar 2010, 5:05, closed)

I've also had first hand experience of this...
apparently there are a few slightly different types of circumcision. Was my first and only operation ever so I was extremely nervous to say the least at the thought of doctors choppin' up me willy, they were all brilliant staff though the anaesthetist was making jokes and calming me down.

First thing I did when I woke up was get dressed (just wanted to leave), I went toilet but have this bandage thingy around my willy so pissed mostly down myself.

It felt like an extremely uncomfortable big staple inside my willy for around 10 days, I thought the two week sick certificate I had was excessive but noooo it was not... Not like it hurts when you're sitting around doing nothing but peeing and bathing were 'difficult' for a while.

It's all gravy now glad I finally went through with it!
(viciousal, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 15:28, closed)