The phone was innocent
It's me that's the twat. But if you ever need a couple of phrases to kill a relationship or friendship dead, I'm your woman.

First horror: was seeing a chap, let's call him P. Lovely bloke, Swedish, funny as hell. He'd stayed at my place a couple of times, but no jiggy yet; I just couldn't understand it - I'm not hideous, and frankly I was willing (a bit pissed). The third time he left in the morning, kissed me goodbye and said 'I'll call you', I was at the fist-chewing stage of sexual frustration.

Gnashing my teeth, I texted a mate: "P has just left, and still hasn't put out. Am clearly physically repugnant and should be shot. In fact, I think I'm going to have to go and finish myself off in the bathroom".

Yep, you're way ahead of me, I can see that. I sent it to P. Promptly ran around my apartment screaming, rang him, got voicemail, left a garbled apology and figured that there was nothing else for it but to start drinking to obliterate the horror of being in my own head. I never heard from him again. Yeah, funny that...

Second was a little more harsh, and frankly, you think I'd have learned from the first time. I had moved to a new job back in the UK had a made a few friends. One colleageue, M, was clearly quite keen on me, but was obviously holding back. One day he said 'I've got something to tell you. I'm a Christian' -as if that explained everything I needed to know about him.

Now, I'm not a Christian. I was raised as a Quaker but am not particularly godly. Also, don't let the Quaker tolerant thing fool you, I can be a total beeatch when I want to be. I got back to my office and texted one of my best mates (b3tan Rakky, in fact);
"M just told me he was a Christian. I didn't have the heart to ask whether I was talking to a 33 year-old virgin..."

Fuckjugs. Yes I did. I sent it to him. Oh, how we'll all laugh when the Judgement Day comes...

*pop* how was it for you? In fact, don't tell me - we both know it'll end in tears.
(Nunnerfly, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 11:34, 9 replies)

how ironic
A Quaker not getting any Oats!
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 11:51, closed)

oh, arumpcha!
tick, vg. :-)
(Nunnerfly, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 11:52, closed)

arumpwha?
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 12:00, closed)

Ouch!
"Am clearly physically repugnant and should be shot." Office lol and a click just for that!
( Sunburn Go on.... It's character building!, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 12:00, closed)

lol 2 stupendously fantastically awful text-errors
Poor you. Have a click
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 12:05, closed)

Yay!
Hurrah for you finally persting (!) summat!

Mind you, it's not like you've not made an appearance on b3ta before; if anyone has read my answer to "They thought I was a sex offender" QOTW they will be aware of your excellent work.

I imagine you may possibly be able to get revenge for that at some point. :) Given that your husband has already been able to comprehensively humiliate me this week...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 12:06, closed)

Ha ha
Have a click for reminding me to always check who I'm sending my inappropriate texts too... :-)
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 13:47, closed)

Association with Rakky...
that explains A LOT!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 31 Jul 2009, 18:26, closed)

Superbly-earned clickage
"fuckjugs" deserves a clicky just by itself.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 21:49, closed)