Impersonating a woman
This could have gone in the Festivals question if I'd gotten there quick enough. My mum's sister Valerie was supposed to be going to Glastonbury last year, but in the end she couldn't make it, and asked if I wanted her ticket.

I jumped at the chance. Massive Attack, Jay-Z, Leonard Cohen, Jimmy Cliff, Seasick Steve? Fuck yeah. However, if you've been to Glastonbury in the last couple of years, you'll realise the problem I had at this point.

Photo ID.

Each ticket now has a photo of yourself on it. You can't really substitute tickets between people, to stop touting. And it's unfortunately very effective. So to get into the festival, I was going to have to pose as a 48-year-old woman. But I fucking well did it. It's a good thing I have lovely legs, am a hairless wonder with a surprisingly androgynous face and am fairly short (some people might say I was destined for a moment like this). Doing the classic Moss-chic thing of wellies, a miniskirt (yes, obviously borrowed from a friend) and a hoodie, the family likeness got me past the initial ticket checks, got my wristband and festival bags, and in!

Upon which I was immediately confronted by a BBC TV crew.

"Hi, we're doing some interviews for our coverage this year - what's your name?"

No "do you mind doing an interview". Bastards. I was still in earshot of the security, who were looking on in amusement. Oh crap. Okay, high voice but not too high....

"Valerie!"
"Hi Valerie! Is this your first Glastonbury?"
"Er... no!"
(at this point I realised I was speaking in a Scottish accent. Oh well, too late, plough on)
"So how many have you been to then?"
"...four!"
"Oh wow, a bit of a veteran then! So what's been your best Glastonbury moment?"
"...Radiohead!"
"And the worst?"
"...rain last year!"
"...okay, well thanks Valerie! Have a good festival!"

I'd gotten away with it, thanks to my lilting, breathy Scottish accent (I was almost turning myself on by the end of it) and my monosyllabic answers. But by the end, I was truly able to say that...

...I've been Auntie V.
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 23:46, 12 replies)

fucker
You had me to the end, though I should have seen something coming.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 23:55, closed)

I echo
What he says up there
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 0:36, closed)

You bastard
Had me going right till the last line - and even then (with this hangover) it took a few moments to realise.
(Capo, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 7:46, closed)

Have a very
well deserved *click*. If you don't win it is a crime.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 8:03, closed)

Ithangyew
*bows*
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 14:11, closed)

You are an absolute bastard
You had me right to the last letter.

*click*
( admiral crunch holds the newsreader's nose squarely, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 10:11, closed)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo
I walked right into that you fucking pun rapist
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 11:52, closed)

^THIS^
If I wasn't so angry with myself, I'd applaud.

Have a click for making me feel dirty and used
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 13:35, closed)

*spang*
you utter bastard - I believed every word!
Nice one though...
(berk, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 13:34, closed)

10/10
veh good
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 13:46, closed)

Ha!
Nice one! Lovely work there, Sir!
( SpankyHanky, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 17:17, closed)

>.<
Oh for fuck's sake.

Got me well n'good.
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 10:31, closed)