Ice skating is evil
Moaning about pain, you say?

*clears throat

Many moons ago, when I was but a little bean, I went ice skating with a bunch of mates. Not being very proficient at this sport I spent most of the evening pootling about at low speed, hanging onto the rink walls.

After an hour or so I felt more confident and ventured farther towards the middle where the faster people were. One of my friends was an expert and could do it *backwards* so I spent a few seconds contemplating their amazing skills before ***smack. Something hit me with tremendous speed and force, causing me to hit the rock-hard ice like a fish slapping Michael Palin's face.

It was a woman travelling at twice the speed of sound. Unfortunately we both landed on my left arm. I wasn't really aware of the pain at first, I just knew that it ought to hurt and dutifully commenced crying my eyes out. Some nice, helpful members of the public crowded round and tried to help me up by pulling on said arm. I told them to sodding well release me whilst screaming a bit more.

Then a rink hand fought his way through the throng, hauled me up by grabbing me under the arms and dragged me back to the changing rooms.
By this point I'd calmed down a bit and the tears had stopped. Arm was throbbing a little. The rink hand asked me to move my fingers and flex my arm, movements which I performed easily. "Ah, 'tis but a sprain," He cried, "No ambulance for you, young lady!"

I sat there and moaned for a bit longer, before sulkily pleading for a taxi to take me to the hospital. It was now hurting a bit more. The doctor who assessed me in A&E was hot. But he said I'd probably broken my arm a bit so tempting him with a bit of underage minge was probably off the cards.

Arm was x-ray'd and a special ortho man came to tell me all about wrists, 'cos that bit was broken. I had my colles fracture taped up and was booked in to have it manipulated back into place under anaesthetic in a couple of days.

What they didn't notice was that my elbow was also mashed to fuck. So I sat there, elbow resting on table, whilst they wrapped up the handy-wristy bit.

The next two days were agony trying to sleep. I flexed and unflexed my elbow, trying to get my arm in a comfortable position. I took many ibuprofen. Okay for a headache but they don't do much for a broken arm.

When I returned to the hospital I asked kindly if they wouldn't mind re-checking the x-ray to see if my elbow was ok. The doctor held it up to the window, "Nah it's fine." I moaned a bit more about the pain and he walked up to the light box with some frustration at his whingey patient. "Oh dear, you have broken it. Whoops!"

So they put a bit more plaster on it and a few hours later I was put under for some operation-y goodness. I came out with several pins in my elbow and a seven inch scar along my arm. Apparently moving around a broken elbow for two days doesn't do much good.

Length? 2 days of unmedicated ouch, 6 weeks of 10-tonne-backslab plastercast and 5 months of physio :)
(KeenBean objects to this comma, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:05, 2 replies)

Rink Hand Revenge
A mate of mine got revenge on a jumped-up little hitler of a rink-hand who was always bugging him. You see, he was born with less than the regulation number of fingers on one hand. So, a little ketchup from the burger bar, a carefully placed fallen skater, and we have a convincing finger-amputation scenario.

Apparently the rink-hand fainted.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 16:27, closed)

i hate ice skating
the only time i ever went, i fell over and my leg twisted behind me, wedging the blade of the skate firmly up my crevice. i had a bruised starfish for a week and toilet time became a daily torture :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 18:41, closed)