I go to Uni in a very shit city called Preston.
It's got all the chavs of Manchester, but none of the charm, and it's just a bit grim.

My accomodation is almost as lovely as the city. If you live on one side of the building you get the graceful view of a concrete carpark full of tosser-businessmen 4x4s and Mini Coopers. The other side faces a funeral home. Guess which side I lived in last year?

A couple of months back I had to get up for a horrifically early lecture, and actually felt good about myself at what felt like the dawn of time for quite a while. Springing out of bed, clad in my oldest, grimmest underwear, I went to the mirror to survey the damage from a night of hardly any sleep. I actually looked passable. Today could be good, I thought to myself, and started to get ready.

I put the radio on, and Shania Twain's 'Man I Feel Like a Woman' came on. It was relevant. I have boobs. I don't look like a creature from the black lagoon. Shania was obviously channeling me when she wrote this masterpiece of pop.

It's then that things took a turn for the dark. I decided that, feeling spring fresh, I'g go for a bit of a kareoke session and dance around my room. Armed with an empty bottle of vodka and my best David Brent impression, I twirled around my room with the rejected choreography from Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights video.

Half way through an ambitious pirouette, I saw them. Noses to the window, breath fogging up the glass, were the undertakers from across the road. I froze in horror, leg still stuck half way up in the air. This couldn't get any worse. I'm in my laundry day underwear, and there's two pervy funeral men sneering at me.

As it turns out, it could get worse. They were carrying a coffin between them to the herse parked about thirty meters away.

I would make a pun at this point about making them feel stiff in certain areas with my moves, but I'm pretty sure the DEAD BODY they were carrying made up for it.

Length? About as long as the curtains I bought on eBay that afternoon.
(SpamHammer thinks the world will end on, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 22:26, 1 reply)

Something along the lines of...
Between the two of them, they had six foot of stiff?
(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Tue 23 Aug 2011, 0:35, closed)