Scream if you want to go to prison
True story from a friend of mine who is a fully paid up member of The Filth. We'll call him Bert, mostly because I liked Sesame Street.

Bert was a beat officer in a somewhat shady southern city and was called to a restaraunt late at night following an anoymous telephone call reporting an armed robbery. It was all dark and closed up so he banged on the door and a waiter opened it. He denied all knowledge of a robbery or that he'd called the police. Being in possession of a suspicious mind and not afraid to use it Bert insisted on searching the building.

Having got to the managers office he found a woman tied to a chair and gagged. Being unusually sharp for a member of the bacon club this was Bert's first indication that not all was as it should be. He untied the woman, who said that she was the manager of the restaraunt and had just been robbed of the nights takings at knife-point by a man wearing a Scream mask. Helpfully, from Bert's perspective at least, she then pointed to the waiter who'd answered the door and said "It was him". Bert's eyes lit up at the prospect of an easy conclusion and he promptly arrested the waiter for armed robbery.

However, the waiter said that he had just been clearing up downstairs, denied that he'd done anything and that someone else must have broken in, robbed the manager and then called the police to let the manager go. The manager, in turn, insisted that it was him, pointed out that they'd worked together for years, and she'd recognise him even with a Scream mask on. In the absence of any other evidence, this meant that more detective work was needed for our intrepid Bert. He searched the restaraunt building and found, in a toilet tank, a Scream mask in an Asda plastic bag. However, presented with this evidence, the waiter insisted that he'd never even heard of the film Scream, had no idea what a Scream mask was and had never even seen one before Bert showed it to him.

However, in a novel twist that not even CSI:Las Vegas would stoop so low as to use, the criminal had helpfully left in the bag an Asda receipt. Putting the Asda bag and Asda receipt together Bert leapt to the dramatic conclusion that the mask had been purchased in an Asda store. As the receipt had a time stamp and store details on it, Bert immediately sped to the Asda store, probably with lights and sirens, and seized the CCTV. On viewing the footage from the camera covering the children's toy aisle he spotted our friend the waiter strolling down the aisle and pausing at the mask section. Carefully studying the choices available to him, he eventually picked up a fresh new Scream mask. Obviously intent on setting up the perfect crime, he then tried it on to make sure it fitted.

Bert told me that when he played the footage to the waiter (who, remember, had denied ever seeing such a mask before) he turned white and asked to speak to his lawyer. I like to think that a small tear rolled down his cheek at the same time.

Length? About 4 years.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Wed 11 May 2011, 22:55, 2 replies)

Yes ....
but does he have an irritating gay housemate who is prone to burst into song at bedtime?
(Que?, Thu 12 May 2011, 0:41, closed)

Fuck off Bert

(TheColonel, Thu 12 May 2011, 10:06, closed)