The Apple shop ran out of iPads.
I sat outside and repeatedly set myself on fire, all the while screeching invocations to Cthulhu, pleading him to drive all those inside insane. Eventually, with a wet 'schlurp' sound and a torrent of blood and faeces, the manager relented and gave me his personal, platinum-inlaid unit, pulling it violently from his rectum. Elated, I pranced home in a cloud of eldritch turpentine-smelling smoke, cradling my prize in my wizened claws. It felt amazing, having fought for a just cause and defeated the Man. Standing outside my home was a small crowd of indigents, holding handwritten signs protesting their eviction by the government. I kicked several of them out of the way and forced the door open. As I closed it, one of them grabbed me. His eyes streamed tears as he piteously begged me for shelter. I turned up the volume on my shiny toy and pulled the door to, severing his arm at the elbow. Fucking lower classes... Still, the claw-like hand makes a nice stand for my glittering porn appliance. On-on!
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 15:54, 6 replies)

Omg!
Exactly the same thing used to happen to me a lot before! I managed to kick this particular habit though.
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 16:07, closed)

You are God.
AICMFP
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 16:18, closed)

*Click*
But you did lose me at "laminated vulva"...
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sat 13 Nov 2010, 17:15, closed)

Statistically,
Women who laminate their vulva are 68.1% less likely to undergo an involuntary quimpendectomy after the age of 37. TRUFAX
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 17:42, closed)

"repeatedly set myself on fire"
Did you keep going out?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 18:52, closed)

It was more a sequential, limb-by-limb procedure.

(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Sat 13 Nov 2010, 19:57, closed)