in which berk experiences the joys of outdoor lovin’…
First post (and it's a long one!) please be gentle…

(wavy lines back to summer 2003)

It was late summer, and some friends and I decided to bid farewell to our college years in style; one last halcyon week before departing our various ways to various towns and cities across the UK to go to uni. Alright, alright…less of the Enid Blyton, we spent a week on the piss in Newquay. Classy, no?

we’d taken a chalet which was more or less on the beach; it was self catered, and the beach itself had a pub – we barely even needed to move in order to supply ourselves with that studenty ambrosia which is strongbow…although as a group we would invariably traipse up the town for the evening and get pissed there. (in retrospect I suspect this was more an opportunity to visit Newquay’s fine array of takeaways than to get drunk…it’s surprising how many places hang up when you slur ‘yesh, we’d like it delivered to the beach, pleashe’, no matter how legitimate a request this may be…)

Anyway, I digress.
The group included my then-fucktoy, a sweet and innocent lad whom I had taken it upon myself to deflower, reasoning it my civic duty not to allow him to go to uni a virgin. Around 5 of us had been in town (read ‘pub’) for most of the day when it became apparent we’d lost our friends somewhere. Being sex-crazed teens it was instantly decided that this would be an opportune time to jump on each other. What with sharing a chalet with 8 other people, and possessing a modicum of respect for our friends (not to mention self-restraint) we hadn’t viciously abused each other for a whole…gosh, three days?

We staggered back to the chalet, pawing at each other’s clothes, to discover – horror upon horror! – that most of our friends were already back. Having, shall we say…worked up an appetite, there was no way we couldn’t, so…
You know those moments of genius and clarity that you have, where you can actually believe there is a lightbulb going ‘ting!’ above your head? This was not one of those moments. It was dark, it was late. More importantly, it was the actual seaside, with actual sea. And tides. ‘let’s have sex outside’, says he.
‘ok!’ I readily agreed.

Ripping our clothes off a la clark kent, (only chubbier, geekier and uglier), we soon got down to business. I complained about the wet sand digging in to my back, so the boything took one for the team and I went on top. Did I mention it was late, and dark, and I was drunk? Cue much giggling, falling off and rolling about. On wet sand…

when I got back on, it was as if he’d flung away the innocent prophylactic and sheathed himself in sandpaper. Howling like a happy-slapped mong, I leapt off and ran to rinse my now burning ladypart in the ocean. I missed my footing on some rocks, fell over in the sea and came up retching, not knowing which way was up and convinced I was dying. The boything, having established in his drink-sodden brain that leaping off his beef truncheon and running away shrieking was not my usual response to a bit of action, came to see what the matter was. He missed his footing on the same rocks and fell, only this time the tide was on the out, and he twatted his head on the rocks and knocked himself spark out.

I then had to drag him back to the chalet, one of us bleeding and both of us pretty much naked, drunk and sore. It is not possible, under these conditions, to sneak in to a chalet leaving your friends unaware.

suffice to say, I spent the remainder of the holiday sober and haven’t really felt the need to indulge in a bit of al fresco action since…
(berk, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 14:54, 7 replies)

Prophylactic...
...such a delightful word.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:01, closed)

I can't remember the last time...

When we B3tards have been able to bathe luxuriously in such a plethora of tip top quality first 'pop' posts by new blood as we have had this week.

and this one is up there with the very best.

Welcome to our wretched hive of scum and villainy...I have a feeling you'll do very well here.

Please allow me to pop your click cherry.

*click*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:08, closed)

I don't want to cause a scene...
... but I had already clicked, I just forgot to say at the time.

Apologies for any confusion, and also for making you stir the proverbial click-porridge.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:22, closed)

^^Apologies...

I may have had sloppy seconds on her clickage, but it was still worth it

;)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:24, closed)

as a long-time lurker...
...I have to admit I'm somewhat familiar with (and an admirer of) your work, Pooflake. As such, I am proud and happy to receive your post-magic dwarf dripping clickage ;)

I probably owe you at least a few chuckles and possibly one dose of poorly controlled office mirth that nearly got me in trouble, too...
(berk, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 14:03, closed)

Now this is the kind of thing that puts me off outdoor sex.
I just know I'd end up with concussion.


Good post btw.
( girlinthehole, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 15:18, closed)

A great debut
Welcome, and *click*
( chart cat has an itch, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 15:56, closed)