The M&S underwear crotch bulge game!
I worked for M&S over Christmas, helping out during the rush and getting some much needed funds, it was only for a few months so hardly 'I quit' material but towards the end I was doing a lot of long late nights where you're basically just waiting for the next lorry full of xmas goods to arrive at bastard-o-clock in the morning to be hurriedly unloaded, categorised and delivered and such, and then more idling about alone doing shop tidying, waiting.

So, in the interim lengths of inactivity, you get bored, and I'm one of those guys who really doesn't do bored well. Regular b3tans will know this makes me do increasingly extreme expressions of my sick sense of humour to keep me entertained, this usually comes out pretty creatively on here, but in a large department store on my own...

I started making stuff out of all the debris lying around, people would find 'foam dollies' behind me, same process as making a corn doll but with packing foam, and there was a lot of Xmas debris around too so little random Xmas decorations starting popping up in various departments for the staff to wonder about come morning. Most of my creations disappeared into the bins from whence they came pretty quickly, but some of my better ones stuck around a while. These are just examples, and I got increasingly creative and obsessive as the boredom started to get to me just from trying to stay sane.

One day early on I noticed the mens underwear department had four of those plastic models that were just legs and a torso, but they had no crotch! What kind of idiot tries to sell underwear to your average already insecure male with models that appear to be neutered I thought, 'Buy our underwear, as modeled by Eunichs!' (hey, it's how my head works). So I went around and added rolled up balls of foam packing (the stuff like white polystyrene sheeting) to them.

In a few days the underwear got changed and the packing got removed, so I added some more padding back into them, but having noticed this now the day staff removed it immediately, and so a contest was born!

I would try and time how long I thought it would take for the day staff to stop watching the models, then pack them out again, and see how long the foam balls stayed in there, and to make it more interesting I would slowly increase the size of them night by night, to see how silly-big they could get before they were removed. I once went for one whole week this way and I took a mate in to show him, we were giggling like loons amongst Xmas shoppers as he took pictures with his phone of these bulging underwear displays. You had to be there.

In my last few weeks I started doing 'Realistic Bulges ©' by actually making a sort of false cock out of the foam and packing tape, I actually got so good at it that by the time I applied them you could tell the religion of each dummy thru the underwear! Then I got really silly and had themes, like trying to give them characters (drawing faces on them & such). Christmas was an obvious one, two baubles and a small balloon, two sparkly fir cones and a bit of wire tree branch, you get the idea. I found myself picking up stuff that fell on the floor during work duties 'cos they looked vaguely male-genitalia-like and saving them for quiet moments of crude cock crafting. I do recall a few times of sitting on the loo during break and idly making one from the contents of my pockets. I'm sure Freud would have a field day but if you know me well you'll know I just aren't in any way squeemish about such things and it amuses me that others are.

Finally I went to see my friend Carol who worked at a sex shop around the corner, whom I knew as a friend but also from working there now and then cash in hand, and she had some novelty items called 'Sticky Willies'. They were small flaccid cock and balls made of that odd rubber that you can throw at windows and it'll stick and crawl down it (there was a big craze once for octopodes). They were a little smaller than your average cock but flesh coloured and quite realistic, and she let me have some cheap, one for each underwear model (4), and on my last day, after a few days of doing nothing in the hope they would forget for a while, they were applied.

I went in expectantly the next working day and they'd removed the underwear display entirely.

I wonder if I broke anyone's mind...

Length? Blaarb!
( ..wil, Sat 24 May 2008, 12:01, 11 replies)

STOP THE QOTW.
We have a winner!
( Maladicta, Sat 24 May 2008, 12:13, closed)

ahahah
smashing
( lordsaccharine b3taing is well retro mate, Sat 24 May 2008, 12:15, closed)

Cheers, you fellow sick minded freaks! ;)
I do wonder whether sales of underwear went up during the days when the models were 'augmented'...
( ..wil, Sat 24 May 2008, 12:26, closed)

pudsey?
was that you?
( no longer a user, Sat 24 May 2008, 13:47, closed)

nice
good story, but click purely for using the word octopodes.
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Sat 24 May 2008, 14:17, closed)

Ah, M&S...
two years in that god-forsaken hellhole almost killed me. Still, i miss the income...
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Sat 24 May 2008, 15:22, closed)

Clicks muchly.
Good work.
(Dok Zombie Cash, gash, pie and mash., Sat 24 May 2008, 15:58, closed)

I wish...
..there was an "I love this" button :o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 24 May 2008, 17:17, closed)

click
Mucho giggles
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Sun 25 May 2008, 12:41, closed)

clickage
nice one
(roadkillontoast, Sun 25 May 2008, 13:53, closed)