Advance apologies for lack of funnies...
...I know the question specifies funnies, but fuck it, it's still damn sight closer to being on-topic than a lot of other posts will be.

It was the dawn of the 90s- the first full calendar decade I would exist for- and I was seeing out the final years of my primary school career at a nondescript Aberdeen school.

The day in question was a Friday, and as is Aberdeen's wont, it was a particularly cold and wet Friday. But a Friday all the same! Come the bell at the end of the day I was all a quiver- two whole days of sleeping late, watching cartoons, trying to teach the dog to skateboard and ignoring my maths homework until bedtime on Sunday night.

One of my friends had been held back for a bit of a talking to by the teacher so I waited outside at the gates for. I was idly minding my own business when *BANG* I was struck by something. I took a second to compose myself before searching for the source of the blow.

I did not need to look far.

On the ground in front of me was a small girl. She had ran straight out of the gates and straight into me. And promptly fallen into the biggest mud puddle I have ever seen, and I've had my share of sodden Glastonbury's. Then came the crying. My lord, that girl could wail. Pensioners that have lived through the blitz would have fled to their coal cellars in terror.

The girl picked herself off the ground and it became very apparent that she was head to toe in mud. I doubt she could have been covered in more mud had she dived onto mud pool and done the 500m breaststroke in it. It was only as she began to wipe the mud from her face- still bawling- that I recognised her as the younger sister of on my of classmates, Josh.

At this point my attention is distracted by some shouting from down the road. Ah, it's her father- a well known businessman in our community. He seems to be awfully angry about something, thinks I...

The exchange is still vivid in my memory.

Father: You boy, you!

Dick: *puzzled silence*

Father: What's you're name, boy?

Dick: *whimpers* D..D..D..Dick

"Dick what?" he thundered in return.

"Dick North".

"Well, Dick North" he sneered. "I just saw you push my daughter into that muddy puddle. I should punch your lights out..."

I think I may have wee myself at this point.

"..you should thank your lucky stars that I'm not going to". And with that he stormed off, muddy daughter in tow.

Now that really ruined my weekend. I was terrified that he would contact my parents and that I would get grounded and have to pay for the cleaning bills out of my pocket money. It didn't matter that I didn't actually do it. I mean, he was an adult so surely they would believe him over me? I was so terrified of the trouble I would be in that I didn't breath a word of it to my parents. I was terrified of going back to school on Monday as well. Surely Josh would want to beat me up for what had happened to his sister? What if I saw their Father again? Maybe he would have changed his mind about punching my lights out...

As it was, none of these things happened. What did happen was that about a week later I went around to my friend Daniel's house, where we wrote a song about how much of a big poopyhead Josh's dad was. We sang it with much gusto, backed by the tinny bleeping of one of the demo songs on Daniel's Casio keyboard. And recorded it on a blank cassette. And put it an envelope addressed to Josh's dad. And posted it.
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Thu 29 Jan 2009, 14:50, 1 reply)

So...
...did you ever hear anything more about it?
(Armour Dillow, Mon 2 Feb 2009, 17:23, closed)