Stories from Army Cadets and OTC (quite lengthy)
In ze Army, as part of the ration pack thats issued to prospective cannon fodder, we are given nasty biscuit things called 'Biscuit Browns'. They taste so-so but their real use is that they are very good constipators - something that is a great boon when u are sent off on a 2-day excercise and dont want to shit in the open (to remain 'covert' or something). This means that you eat all your biscuits and then dont shit for about 5 days.
The return from a weekend camp would hold a highly amusing game because the return of your bowel function was granted swiftly and ferociously, often giving the hapless commando about 15 seconds between onset of "hmm, i think i need to dump" and "Oh bollocks ive cacked me khakis".
We often had a shouted countdown as someone put up their hand to ask to go to the loo and then just gave up and bolted out the door. Fun.

Once in CCF (cadet thing at school) the NCOs (all the 6th years basically) congregated around one of the cubicles because someone had managed to do the widest shit anyone had ever seen. It could only be described as a "coke can" due to its massive girth but diminutive length. We eventually found out that the turd was produced by a fat kid in 4th year who we quite unaffectionately called 'Cartman'.

Also highly funny and to do with the aforementioned biscuits:
One of our mates in OTC once decided to eat 6 peoples' rations of biscuit browns in one go. He didnt crap for about 2 and a half weeks but when he did he made off for the toilet at a fair trot followed by all of us in fits of laughter. He then sat down in a cubicle with us listening outside only to hear a loud squelch and then an ear-peircing scream. The poor chap had just ripped his anus in twain. Actually ripped his anal sphynchter! He then had to endure a couple more minutes of agony as he crimped out the remainder of the shite with us nearly dying of laughter nad him busting a lung from screaming.
Dont eat that many constipation biscuits in one go.

On the subject of ripped anuses (ani?) i once ran out of toilet paper in the loo in Newark Airport while on hols in the US. I had to use the disposable grease-paper like thing that you put over the toilet seat to wipe my arse. I managed to put the edge of the serated paper right in the midle of the wad and so proceeded to give myself a very painful paper-cut on my anus. I couldnt sit down all day. youch.

ENOUGH!
( MrUppity, Fri 7 May 2004, 5:53, Reply)