Where in the world….
My wife had just bought a new car, and so eager to take it for a spin, we decided to go and visit her grandparents and take them out to the local Harvester or wherever. Lunch with grandparents is always followed by a trip to Sainsburys, Homebase, or the garden centre – if you visit older relatives, you know the score.

No sooner had her granddad finished his fillet of salmon when he announced that he’d like to be driven over to PC World to buy a new keyboard. No problem, I don’t mind wandering around any computer store for a bit, and it’s nice to feel that you’re helping them out with something that they can’t normally do by bus. My wife and grandma looked in the shop next door, leaving me in PC World with my wife’s grandpa – so far so good…

Unfortunately, old Grandad’s salmon evidently didn’t agree with him, and no more than 5 minutes into the shop, he comes running down the aisle clenching his buttocks like Noah’s Ark had been fully loaded and the tempestuous floods were about to come over the hills and wipe out all humanity. Red-faced, he said something about needing a toilet right NOW… and I could see from his eyes that he wasn’t exaggerating. I stopped a passing staff member, explained that the old chap was not well & could we use the staff toilets etc. They shepherded him out the back through locked doors, but sadly it turns out that they weren’t fast enough. When he re-emerged 20 minutes later, it was evident that he’d removed and tried to wash his entire beige slacks under the tap, and was now 1) wearing soaking wet, shit-stained trousers, 2) making the whole shop smell like a sewage works that’d gone wrong and 3) being escorted out of the shop by a very pleasant (but also quite embarrassed) young PC World Saturday girl, leaving wet brown drips from his trouser legs as he went.

As we reached the car park – and my wife’s brand new car – we toyed with the idea of running in to the M&S to buy new trousers, but in the end, just wrapped him up with a blanket as if it was a sarong, plastered the back seats with loads of PC World deal leaflets, and headed home.

Poor old fella….. To make it worse for him, he got a massive bollocking from his wife the whole way home from the store. Even after steam cleaning the car’s upholstery it still has a musty, shitty smell. Can’t fault the staff in PC World though…
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Mon 14 May 2012, 12:37, 3 replies)

Reminds me of one of the regulars in my local.
He was harping on about his father in law being in the house. Someone asked him why he didn't bring him for a pint. His reply?

"Naw, ye cah take him anywhere; he stinks of pish."
( Slippery Mick ‏, Mon 14 May 2012, 12:47, closed)

That story
has it all.

*clicked*
(username failed moderation, Mon 14 May 2012, 13:02, closed)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Fucking ace story. Click.
( Evil Bastardo, Tue 15 May 2012, 16:56, closed)