Tips for bored insomniacs
An ex of mine surprised me one night by suddenly leaping out of bed then dragging me out too, while shouting that we had to get out of the way of the avalanche. Although I had a splinter in my arse (from being dragged naked onto my classy bare floorboards), I thought it was rather sweet that even while fast asleep, he'd gone back to save me from the avalanche. Being of a sweet disposition myself, I didn't complain, but thanked him for rescuing me.

Being of an insomniac disposition, I kept an eye and ear out for future sleep-walking and -talking, and engaged him in conversation when I could. It was fascinating. I found out that he would sometimes remember things I had said to him while asleep, but would think it was a character from the dream that had said them, rather than me.

Unfortunately, he turned out to be a complete twat. Between realising this and getting my act together to end it, I started experimenting with planting ideas in his head. Nothing too sinister... First maybe tickling him and whispering that there were aliens crawling over him (jumped in the air and screamed like a goddam girl). Then telling him there was a flood and we had to run and get on the 'boat' (his absent flatmate's desk - got a photo of him sitting on it, naked and clinging onto the anglepoise for dear life). I suppose the time he stuck his knob in my hand - while fast asleep after a blazing row, no less - and I made him think his stepdad was giving him hand relief was perhaps a bit mean. But believe me, he was a cheating twat, and the face he made when he woke up and remembered...
(Turangalila, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 0:54, Reply)