Oh but he can't help it
I am a member of a forum for parents with kids with autistic spectrum disorders (as I have mentioned many times my 8 year old is autistic) and I swear the place riles the fuck out of me. Everyday I log on and see so many of these parents moaning and whining about how their child does this that and the other but "they can't help it cause they got a special need innit". I swear it boils my blood. Slightly off topic but I shall tell you my story of how I turned what looked like a spoiled brat into my lovely star wars obsessed son. I am going to blow my own trumpet here because I think I've done a damn good job with my son.

Back when he was 3 he wouldn't join in with any of the other kids at nursery and wandered around at story time. The nursery staff had a different tale about my sons behaviour everyday and I absolutely dreaded picking him up. I have to admit my son was like the spawn of satan back then, would scream no in your face if you asked him to do anything, ran riot around rooms breaking things and generally being loud and verbally aggressive. Anyway the nursery decided to get child health involved by putting us in contact with someone who could guide us through getting him sorted out. I had never even considered the idea that he might have a special need (or additional need as the PC crowd demand it to be called nowadays) We were put in touch with a local childrens centre and was told that we would be getting a family support worker in the for of a special educational needs co-ordinator. At first I was totally against any idea of any help fearing being labelled a family of chavs who needed help from the system to control their unruly brat. We applied for a place for him at the local school and I could tell they didn't really want him there so this lady set the wheels in motion for a diagnosis, what she suspected was the cause of his behaviour I did not know, but I went along with it all expecting it to be a long and tiring task with no outcome other than a label of some sort of "Behavioural disorder" (You know the kind I mean, the one they stick on kids that they can't stick anything else on). Life went on with a whirlwind of appointments and meetings to discuss my son. It all changed at one appointment when my husband and I were sat behind two way mirror and watching my son interact with psychiatrists and paediatricians, he was running wild and creating havoc, when I was asked to go to him and calm him down. I walked into the room and picked him up and sat him on a chair and kneeled down next to him and said "Stop this now, we're going to sit here together until you calm down" it was exactly what I had been doing to calm him down all along and seemed to work pretty well. After the appointment I was told he wouldn't be able to attend mainstream school and a few weeks later I was told he had suspected Autism and that I was actually quite a good mum and hadn't been doing anything wring HURRAH. Now apart from watching the film Rainman I had never really heard of it before so I came home and read up about it on the internet. Joined many groups and learnt as much as I could about it. After learning all about it everything clicked in place, why Thomas the Tank engines had to be lined up in a certain colour order, why he chewed his clothes and repeated everyone's sentences but never able to make one of his own. A few months on we got the full diagnosis through the post in the form of a statement. Finding out it wasn't his fault to begin with was the start of something fantastic, I learned he was angry because he couldn't communicate what he wanted so my son and I learned Makaton together, I had stickers everywhere on wardrobes on the toy box kitchen cupboards and he carried a little book around with him and whenever he wanted to something he would show me a picture of it. Then we established a strict routine (being very anti Gina Ford this was extremely difficult for me) but he was like a changed child. He was happy and never angry and even managed to bond with his new baby brother. He now attends a special school and is excelling at everything, he comes home every day and can't wait to get through the door and tell me everything he's learned (usually after he's explained that R2D2 and C3PO are not Jedi Knights but Luke Skywalker is Annakin Skywalker and Queen Amidalas son and that Annakin skywalker is REALLY Darth Vader) *prouds*

Five years on I can honestly hold my hands up and say that his bad behaviour has vanished and he is the most placid and loving child I have ever met. He has tantrums occasionally but most children do, and when he does he just shouts "I'm going away" and he does, he goes and has 10 minutes quiet time on his own and then comes back and carries on as if nothing has happened. As for me, I now run the local special needs parents support group, and I am also on the board of directors for the very organisation that got me through the tough times.

So this takes me back to my original thought and it's a controversial one at that. A child having special needs is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour. If my child is rude, throws a hissy fit for no reason other than to be a little shit he will get told off for it. None of this Namby pamby shit here thanks, if you're naughty then I take something away, If I have to take away everything you own then so be it.

I rambled far too much here and haven't been able to get my thoughts in order properly for this but meh fuck it, it's been nice to type all that up.
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 10:26, 19 replies)

I remember
when "special needs" was being enforced at school rather than "disabled" or "retarded" or whatever they used previously.
*deletes rest of rant, calms down*

A question, though: what's Makaton?
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 10:41, closed)

It's a little bit like Sign language but alot more simple
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Makaton

The signs are basic and easy to follow, it's years since I have used it now and I have forgotten alot of it, but it was a godsend.
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 10:45, closed)

I do not have kids so I can't preach really.
Until you walk a mile in my shoes...blah blah blah!

But I think that there's no such thing as naughty children, just lazy parents.
( girlinthehole, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 10:52, closed)

You would love my mother.
She works at a special needs school in town - and she has exactly the same philosophy. If the kids are little shits - then they get told off for it and a suitable punishment.

Also - my nephew is highly autistic. He's a great kid but he just took [i] so [/i] long to even learn to talk. And he'd get angry because he couldn't communicate. So yeah. I do understand it's frustrating.

Much love - your kid sounds like he's going to grow up into an awesome person. :) Good job on the lack of wishy washy!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 14 Oct 2008, 11:37, closed)

Thank you
the communication system I mentioned in the post with the pictures is called PECS "Picture exchange communication system" it's fantastic. We still use a slightly different version of it now where if he wants something he can't explain he tries to draw it so I suppose its similar in a way. If your nephew is still having problems I would be more than happy to drag out some info for you.
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 12:30, closed)

thanks. :)
He's nearly seven now though. And he uses his words all the time now (except for when he's frightened). He's very plucky and cheeky! Love him to death. He's come a long way and I'm really pleased about his progress :)

My mum uses a form of PECS where there is a picture with a word underneath it (like a person sitting on a chair with the word "sitting" for example). Works a treat with my nephew it does!!
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 14 Oct 2008, 13:01, closed)

Well done Mrs Sp@m! Have a click.
My wife was a childminder and saw so many instances of shitty parenting that you wouldn't believe it.

She had one boy who, although a little odd, was pretty well behaved but turned into an absolute turd when his mum came to pick him up. He was a shit at home as well apparently - all the time. But why would he behave for my wife?

The parents were trying to get him diagnosed with ADHD, which of course was bollocks. Our neighbour was a headmistress at a school for 'difficult' children and could spot ADHD from a mile off. She confirmed that a child with undiagnosed ADHD could not sit and happily paint for 2 hours as he could with my wife.

They eventually diagnosed him as being mildly autistic, but it was plain to see that most of his problems were down to his parents who completely failed to exercise any authority over him.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 14 Oct 2008, 11:37, closed)

See this is partly my point
I just get so angry with people who feel sorry for themselves. Yes I know it's hard and I have had fantastic support but I just can't get around the mentality of things being tough as an excuse. And no way cold a child with ADHD sit for that long.
( Mrs Sp@m, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 12:33, closed)

Well done you!
My best friend's son is now 16 and was initially diagnosed as being on the Autism spectrum but now they hedge their bets and just say he has severe special needs. In less PC terms he's retarded.
He does bits of Makaton but mostly now he gets by with saying what he wants. He's a great guy, very, very funny, witty and generally a social livewire. His teachers enjoy having him in their class and he's a joy to be around.
It's been a lot of hard work for his mum (my friend) but she's a brilliant mother and will not allow him to get away with bad behaviour just because of his 'learning difficulties'. That said, she does ignore his muttering as he walks off to do as he's just been told...he is a teenager after all!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 11:48, closed)

Great work.
Well done. *clicks*
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 12:34, closed)

well done on being a proactive, good parent
Not that you need a spoilt shit bag like me to tell you.

Sounds like you have managed to really make a difference, not only to the one you love so dearly, but also to the lives of others.

I hope that you are proud of the work you are doing young lady, you should be.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 12:49, closed)

Click
Accidentally clicked twice actually.

Its a good story, and also evidence that "so-called experts" are often actual real experts who can help you.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 13:04, closed)

Well Done That Girl!
*clicks*
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 13:11, closed)

*click* hardly says it does it?
But well done.

One 'normal' teenager was enough for us. We found removal of mobile phone did the trick!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 13:23, closed)

You are a great mum!
Well done you! You have taken an intelligent and caring approach to your son's condition, which will help him grow up into a loving human being. So many children these days seem to be labeled ADHD without much justification. If your child isn't as intelligent as you'd like them to be, then call them ADHD and it explains everything. Whatever happened to just being average?
(Woofie, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 17:00, closed)

So true...
"They got a special need innit", is a sentiment I hear too frequently around the ASD base I work in. Yes we work with them and provide strategies and methods, but as we've pointed out to parents who use it to excuse things, "your child is autistic, the world isn't."

Oh, and we pray for the day a parent like you walks through the door; our life with that particular child becomes so much easier (seriously, this is not sarcasm!).
(wormburn, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 17:05, closed)

Unlurks
Well done, an example to parents all over :-)

My daughter was diagnosed with an ASD last year at the grand ol age of 17 which actually was a relief to us all; her because she had a reason as to why she felt so alientated & frustrated & unable to communicate why, me coz I wasn't a rubbish parent (well, hope I'm not) after all!

She still didn't/doesn't get away with being bratty though ;)
(SlightlyInsane, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 10:37, closed)

*click*
Well done, you deserve a lot more than just clicks!
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 15:40, closed)

i totally agree
my nephew suffers from severe autism and learning difficulties. his mother and my parents never even try to discipline him, as "he can't help it". strangely, he never plays up for me. maybe this is because i won't put up with him screaming, hitting, biting, spitting, etc. his hands are scarred as he bites himself constantly to get his own way. if he could be convinced to calm down, he'd be a lovely boy. his mother had a baby girl(not with my brother anymore) about a year ago. my nephew refuses to even acknowledge her existence. he has become so wild since she was born that he has now been placed in a special needs care home, as his mother simply cannot cope(he's a big lad, she's built like olive oyl). we all miss him terribly, but just seeing how much he's improved in the last couple of months has reassured me that he's getting the help and care he needs at the care home.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 23:31, closed)