» The Dark

We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed.
Everyone who could be there looked at his handsome face for the last time and left in tears. He was so young.

I stayed a long time, ruffling his hair and tellng him that I loved him and was not angry with him. His hair was the longest I'd ever seen it - he was growing it, it seems, for the first time.

After a while, I realised that I was still there because I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave him alone there without anyone he loved to hold his hand or whisper that it was all right, I'm here and you're safe.

This was a problem which I needed to solve. So I called Rob the funeral director in and explained, and he understood.

Dylan was never afraid of the dark as a child - well, a little, but he was very brave - so I kissed and hugged him for a last time, then stood by the door and said, goodnight Dyl, I'll see you in the morning, and Rob put out the lights, one by one, just on cue. I couldn't see Dylan any more then and quietly closed the door and tiptoed away, just as when he was a little boy.
(Sat 25th Jul 2009, 9:14, More)

» Protest!

My ex once promised our four kids, then aged about 4-10, cake and custard after tea.
He shamefully reneged. The footy was on, or something, and he slunk off to watch TV.

The kids complained to me. I quickly made them four little protest signs, out of cardboard rectangles taped to rulers, which said 'Cake and custard NOW!' and 'Cake! Custard!' and so on.

They paraded them in front of their father, chanting 'We want cake and custard! We want cake and custard!' and totally disrupting his telly viewing.

Sighing like a true martyr, he dragged himself off into the kitchen to whip up the promised dessert. Pester power, eh!
(Sat 13th Nov 2010, 20:14, More)

» Pointless Experiments

I have found snails to be sporting types, in that they happily participate in my serious scientific experiments.
Here are three examples - incidentally, no harm was caused to any gastropod and all were released into the wild afterwards.

1. What do snails like to eat and drink?
A. A snail placed on a saucer with a choice of beer or milk and chips or lettuce will go for the beer and chips every time.

2. Can we vary the colour of a snail's poo?
A. Yes, by feeding it multicoloured foods. The snail will poo straight afer eating and the colour of the poo is decided by that of the food.
Hundreds and thousands give a striking 'rainbow' effect.

3. Can a snail be induced to hold a white sugar strand in its mouth, so that it looks like a king-sized fag?
A. Yes, after about half an hour's gentle coaxing.
(Doing this had my young nephew in helpless tears of laughter.)

Experimental snails - more fun than chimps or beagles.
(Tue 29th Jul 2008, 16:54, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

One morning, the former Mr Quar was enthroned in the the bathroom and the door opened a little.
He called out to our 3 year-old, 'Sonny! Will you go and ask Mum for some toilet paper for me please?'

Unknown to the ex, I was in the bedroom next door. I sent Sonny back to ask, 'Mum says, do you want NEWSPAPER?'
'No, Sonny, tell mum I want TOILET paper.'

Sonny returned with Dad's request and this time I offered sandpaper. No, Daddy would like TOILET paper, please.

As little Sonny was so articulate and diligent, and the ex was so stupid, I was able to send Sonny back many times to offer creative alternatives to toilet paper: wallpaper, a coathanger, a wire brush, a cactus, a handful of gravel, a broken bottle, etc, all of which Daddy politely refused.

I suppose I eventually caved in and sent Sonny in with a bogroll but all I can actually remember is kneeling on the bedroom floor with my face buried in the duvet to stifle my laughter.
(Fri 17th Jun 2011, 8:20, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

If you're wearing a nursey uniform, people tend to believe you.
Years ago, wearing mine in a big shop with my mother, when Mother was out of earshot I told the till girl that 'She's a sweet old thing but she thinks she's my mum!'

When Mother came over to pay, I patted her shoulder and said 'You think I'm your daughter, don't you?'
Mother said 'Of COURSE you're my daughter!'
I turned to the till girl and said 'She gets quite upset. Watch her hit me now!' and said to Mother, 'Awww, you love me really, don't you?'
Smack! across my shoulder.

The till girl gave me that 'Glad I don't have your job' look as Mother dragged me out of the shop, threatening hell.
(Fri 17th Jun 2011, 11:07, More)