Scary Scary Kent Lady
As this QOTW is rapidly turning into a psycho ex's competition, I reckon I ought to wade in with my own tale of love-turned-to-fucking-batshit-mentalism. Twas the spring of '05, I think, and Melissa (because that is a close enough approximation of her name) was 16 and I was just a month short of the same, we used to frequent the same forum, I didn't talk to her that often but when we did we got on pretty well, she dated some other guy on the board who I was pretty good mates with and got to know her better through him, all was well and I didn't really have any interest in her 'that way'. Everything was going quite swimmingly in Shegetz's life.

Then, one day, she pops up on my MSN crying and weeping that my mate has dumped her and he's such an evil bastard and how could anyone do this to her and life was so terrible for her and I'm such a good listener and she's always liked me and oh look what happened we're in some sort of internet relationship. Whoops. A couple of weeks later my mate comes back on the boards - fuck knows where he'd gone, I hadn't seen him on or offline for the previous fortnight, but I digress - and I give him a proper bollocking for being such a twat to Melissa, and he promptly gives me one back for nicking his girlfriend, as he never dumped her at all and as far as he knew everything was going swimmingly between them. Alarm bells started to ring, but were drowned out by the possibility of some real actual fanny, so I go ahead and book the train tickets down to Kent anyway, but the earliest I can get away - school commitments, etc - is in a month's time. Oh well.

In the intervening month, I get the sob story. Apparently a member of her family molested her when she was a little girl and her dad and brother used to repeatedly beat the shit out of her until her mum threw them out. OK, that's pretty messed up, says I. She also says that her best mate was run over by a drunk driver, who she then stabbed, and was thus placed under house arrest, amongst other slightly outlandish stories, all of which I accepted, blinded to her nutterage by the sacred glowing fanny looming on my mind's horizon.

Fast forward to getting down there, we meet up, we hold hands everywhere, take walks in the park, and apart from her having a blazing row with one of her friends for 'trying to chat me up' (she wasn't - alarm bells VERY FUCKING LOUD now), everything's wonderful. Young Shegetz gets his first taste of fanny and decides he's completely in love. She evidently feels the same way, as she begs and pleads with Young Shegetz to stay for another week, over 16th birthday. What better way to celebrate one of the milestones to proper manhood than with your new-found love, thinks I?

A lot of ways, as it turns out.

Turns out, in case she didn't like Young Shegetz as much as she does, Melissa has arranged for another man from a different forum on which she is a regular to meet her the week after Young Shegetz goes home. Yes, readers, the same week she has just begged Young Shegetz to stay for. Did I mention she wasn't particularly bright? Anyway, she panics, and tries to explain away that this man is her mother's 'friend', not hers, despite not knowing her mother's name or phone number - he texted Melissa to announce his arrival - and spending all his time talking to Melissa and being surprisingly ignorant of his supposed girlfriend, Melissa's mother. Who resembled a walrus and was about 30 years older than this bloke. Young Shegetz had it sussed out, and contained himself well enough not to punch the geeky little cunthorse in his face - it wasn't his fault she was a slag, after all.

Huge row, recriminations, Young Shegetz takes to sleeping on the sofa, other bloke - who for the first night at least had the decency to take the other sofa - gives in after about five seconds of the second day and takes to Melissa's room. Sexy sexy time for them yay. Shegetz gets a ticket home and fucks off back to the Smog with his 16th birthday in tatters.

That, dear readers, was only the start of it.

As any big, tough, manly man would do in this situation, I spent a good ten days or so crying into my Hooch (I was 16 remember) and generally avoiding all human contact because I could not be with my gaping-fannied love. After a while, I decided that was enough self pity, and it was time to get on with my life by... going back on the internet. I was wild, me. Anyway, back I go, to find everyone I knew shouting at me for being such a bastard, telling me I tried to force myself on her and beat her up, which is apparently what she's been telling everyone - not just my mutual friends, she's searched my nicknames on Google and told everyone on every forum I knew that I was some sort of sadistic rapist, as well as getting into my MSN account and telling all my real-life friends the same thing. What followed was two years of every time I talked to anyone new on any of the forums she knew I went on, particuarly the one where I met her, her telling them that I was a sadistic rapist freak, her sending me letters to my home address telling me that she was going to get her new boyfriend to come and 'do me over' (he was a skinny wannabe Goth with a drape coat and a dangly earring, I'm a 6' 3" metalhead who used to play rugby for his school, and not a very happy one - I was looking forward to a bit of violence and he never turned up. Shame).

She repeatedly added me on MSN under differently named accounts, and quite openly stalked me across the internet for nigh on two years. My mate Paul, who I'd known since school, got it as well, with her always adding him under different aliases and asking about me, what I was up to, if I was with anyone, etc. Nobody would believe a word of it as they all believed the sun shone out of her arse - amazing the head start two weeks of bitching with no response can get you - and the only reason I ever got a shred of my reputation back was when she dated some other bloke from the same place and accused him of raping her and beating her up as well. Nobody's that unlucky.

The amusing ending to this story was that, after the end of my last relationship, which went tits up for an entirely different reason, I ventured back to all my old haunts under a different name, not wishing to start the whole cycle up again. She tried chatting me up again, not knowing who I was, and I had the great pleasure of telling her to fuck off and stop being such a fucking nutter.

Anyone else dated this loony? I think she's been raped and beaten by about half the internet now. Someone I know once made a list of all the people from that one forum that she's slept with, and the total came out at something like 13. I like to think that all this time she's been looking for someone to match up to my length, but I doubt it - she told everyone it was 3".

Happy endings and all that.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 23:52, 3 replies)

It always amazes me...
...that people go to such lengths in order to do such things! Ive had the random add on MSN but nothing quite so bad!

Sorry it had to happen to you mate, interesting read though!
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 0:46, closed)

Hang about??
"Young Shegetz gets his first taste of fanny and decides he's completely in love. She evidently feels the same way, as she begs and pleads with Young Shegetz to stay for another week, over 16th birthday"

did you not just admit to statuatory rape??

well played :)
(JasperSinister is offering two tickets to the gun show, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:05, closed)

JasperSinister
"Twas the spring of '05, I think, and Melissa (because that is a close enough approximation of her name) was 16 and I was just a month short of the same"

It was my 16th birthday, not hers - she was already 16. Older woman, phwoar, etc. I don't think women can be found guilty of statutory rape, though, so she's probably safe from prosecution.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:59, closed)