The Mars Bar Guy
When I was a young lad of 14, I had my first proper girlfriend. Some of my mates were impressed because she was in the year above me, but because her birthday was (and I suppose still is) in September, she was 16.

One day she had the house to herself for the weekend and I told my parents that I was staying at a friend's house. Now, we'd already commenced in the act of (to quote Stusut) "Jimmynudging" a few weeks previously so that was nothing new. What you have to bear in mind is that that the GF had a mind of filth. Pure filth. And I loved it.

So, we are engaging in sexual acts, and for no apparent reason, there was a chocolate bar at her bedsides. I think it would be a laugh to shove it up her.

Now, that's not a great story. It isn't really a great thing to do. And it made a chocolaty caramel mess. But what happened next was amazing.

She had decided to tell one of my friends about it via MSN Messenger. This soon turned to her telling all my friends about it. The story spread through my school faster than the flu. Everyone in my year knew about it.

"Do you know that Wonderbrawl?"
"No. Never heard of him."
"You know, the Mars Bar Guy"
"Oh yeah he's a ugly twat sexy bloke"

People who I had never seen before were coming up to me and asking about it. I was famous throughout the kingdom...or at least in my year group at school. I guess I kind of enjoyed the attention and liked the fact that lots of people knew who I was.

A few months later when I had a new girlfriend who also didn't go to my school, she told me a story.

"Apparently there's this bloke at your school who poked a girl with a Mars Bar"

I couldn't escape it. What made it even worse was when Mars Bars changed their slogan to Pleasure You Can't Measure. A day didn't go past where it wasn't mentioned at school. I was beginning to tire of it.

I left school at the end of year 11 and moved to another to do my A-levels. And bear in mind, that this is a good 20 months after the incident happened. One person knew that I did the Mars Bar thing, and everyone in the sixth form had already heard the story- They were amazed when they saw me in the flesh. People came up and started talking to me about it, which I guess broke the ice and quickly found lots of people to talk to. One set of girls even bought me a Mars Bar and left it in my bag-box as a joke. How I cringed as I set my eyes upon it.

Even now I am reminded of it. Four years after what is now known as "the Mars Bar incident" People still ask me about it, and now I am not as embarassed to tell the story.

That is how I was the urban legend. Apparently people still talk about it nowadays in my old school. "There was once a bloke who put a Mars Bar up......" I'm sure each time the tale is retold, it is given a new exaggeration or a new angle.

Now, I live in the aftermath of fame. I have had my fifteen minutes and the baton has been passed on. All I say is this: If ever you get the urge to shove a confectionary up your bird's love tunnel, then don't choose something with a tagline like Pleasure You Can't Measure

Apologies for Length - at least it wasn't a Funsize Mars Bar

/Edit: I went out on Thursday (same night that I posted this answer) night in Revolution, Leeds and this bloke comes up to me: "Hey You're the guy who did the mars bar thing? My friend showed me a picture of you and explained the story"

It still haunts me!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Thu 5 Jan 2006, 20:08, Reply)