Killer Bovines
Like all of us who had a normal 70's childhood, I was raised with Commando & Warlord comics (used to read them with a bowl of Frosties most mornings) and an entire unit of Action Men (all had gripping hands and could go into battle with a scorpion tank, an artillery piece and a gyrocopter for support)

As I grew up, these were replaced by airfix soldiers (I always though the Africa Korp was the coolest) and I became addicted to wargaming, with SPI games bought from Games Centre, and a subbuteo field was turned upside down for extra realism with my model army

By my twenties, therefore, I was hankering to do it for real and after an initial foray into the OTC at University, I joined a TA unit

I suppose every Regiment thinks they are hardcore, but it can't be denied (especially after a few G&T's) that this one had high training standards (by that I mean distances marched, and weights carried). Add to that lots of unusual extras like learning morse code, 'resistance to interrogation' courses, and doing everything in teams of four made it extra sexy. Frankly, we all saw Bravo 2-0 as kindred spirits

However, the story I relate shows that sometimes 'hardness' is just skin deep

During one particular weekend, we were on 'patrols' in a team of four moving tactically through some part of the Cornwall countryside (I know it was Cornwall because it would not stop raining).

Now, essential to the plot, I must tell you about one particular army routine (called SOPs or 'standard Operating Procedures), called an 'obstacle crossing'. An example of its application would be crossing a road when enemy might see you. It starts with everyone lying in a semi circle with their weapons pointing outwards in an arc, then crossing one by one, and ending up in a similar fashion (but facing the other way obviously) as the last one crosses. It's kind of SOP thats says 'yep, perfect place for an ambush, let's be ready'

So, here we are, soaked, no sleep the night before and it's about 3am now. We are looking very 'war-like' as you would expect, all gear, guns and faces streaked with cam (just lurve using the lingo). After emerging from a wooded area that we had 'advanced' through quietly for 2km, we come to a stone wall about waist height. It is completely apparent there is no enemy anywhere (I say this because it was basically a navigation exercise, and even the directing staff would not be stupid enough to go out in this rain), but the boss decides we have to do an obstacle crossing.

We dutifully get down in an arc with weapons ready (it's amazing how much noise mud can make) and the first man crosses over. In a moment begins a rumbling sound. In my sleepy state, I could have sworn the ground was shaking too but, even if I imagined that, the sound is unmistakeable. We then hear 'Christ, get over here quick!' from the bloke who first crossed. SOP goes out the window (he's practically shouting it) and the three of us bundle over the wall

The rumbling is still getting louder and through the rain & darkness I can see the edge of the hill ripple. It was seriously weird, like the ground was moving in waves towards us. I remember my pulse beginning to race wondering what the fuck was going on, squinting in the rain, trying to work out what I could see. Instinctively we all lowered our weapons ready to shoot (fat lot of good that would have done as we had about 20 blanks each).

There we were, hard soldiers, standing in an arc, guns at the ready, fingers on the the triggers, safety off ready for some kind of showdown. I kid you not, SEAL TEAM 6 could not have looked cooler

About 30 seconds later we are surrounded by about 100 cows, standing silently, staring at us. They must have heard our footsteps and thought 'Great, we're going to get fed'. I know what the they were thinking as they were all salivating bucket loads (bit like the two aliens from The Simpsons). Yes, we special forces soldiers were surrounded and outnumbered by cows. Having that many cows looking at you like they want to eat you is actually rather unnerving (especially when you are so tired to begin with) and every one of us was jerking our gun from left to right, breathing is gasps

The standoff was broken however, when one of group said "Hang on, aren't cows herbivores?!"

We fell about laughing

I seriously wish we had cameras. Every time I see the aliens on The Simpsons, I am reminded of the time I thought I was going to get eaten by cows
(sabre32, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 17:11, 9 replies)

-- --- .-. ... . . .... ..--..
.... .- ...- . .- -.-. .-.. .. -.-. -.-
(gordonjcp, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 18:16, closed)

w h a t i s t h e c o l o u r o f t h e b o a t h o u s e r o o f ?


wtf does that mean?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 4 Jun 2012, 18:25, closed)

From the film Ronin.
EDIT:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1MkjmbdHUM
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 19:25, closed)

Well that's my evening gone
Luc Besson movies ahoy!
(gordonjcp, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 19:37, closed)

ah! very clever gordon

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 4 Jun 2012, 19:43, closed)

That's not what it actually says though
If it did it would be .-- .... .- - .. ... - .... . -.-. --- .-.. --- ..- .-. --- ..-. - .... . -... --- .-. - .... --- ..- ... . .-. --- --- ..-. ..--..

typoes notwithstanding
(gordonjcp, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 20:09, closed)

Morse eh?
Have a click.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 4 Jun 2012, 20:23, closed)

Warning!
^ Old peeples above! ^
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 5 Jun 2012, 0:25, closed)

An ENTIRE UNIT of Action Men?
RICH CUNT.
Also, TA?
STAB.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 5 Jun 2012, 23:12, closed)