» The worst sex I ever had

Young, lonely and ridiculous
I still psychically cringe from this memory.

I came out of a 4 year relationship having been cheated on and immediately went on the lookout for rebound sex, there weren't many options to be fair. By chance I struck up a conversation online with a woman who worked remotely for the company I worked for and we got talking for hours, thus begins the online relationship cliché. One thing leads to another and she arranges to get on a train and come down for a day to "see the sights".
I was 18, lonely and looking for easy sex. She was a 27 year old married mother of one looking for a divorce. What could go wrong?!

I arrive at the train station and she is too frightened to come over to my car. 10 minutes later and an awkward hello and we're on our way to the hotel. We arrive and settle down on the bed and begin but things rapidly start to disintegrate:

1. During making out, she suddenly gets up to go to the bathroom, being a smoker she is extremely self-conscious of her breath, she's going to brush her tongue.
.....Ok. I can deal with that.
2. She settles back down yet any attempt to fondle her bits is followed by a firm forceful push away. WHAT THE HELL? She insists we carry on, she's just not used to intimacy and is too ingrained from pushing her husbands hands away.
3. Her kissing is awful, I'm beginning to lose interest, no tongue and no passion. Time to get these clothes off.
At this point it just becomes a battle, she clearly has huge issues with intimacy from her failing marriage and I'm as flaccid as a popped balloon. I still want to screw so I push on.

I end up naked, she has most of her clothes on. Clearly an eating disorder and gravity has taken it's toll, she hid it well until now.
She's still hitting my hands away every other minute but I eventually get her stripped down and begin pleasures of an oral nature, hell she evens start to get into it, moaning, moving, the works - that is until she's about to cum! I can only describe it as a punch to the face. I'm beginning to lose patience. I'm no longer turned on.
We revert back to making out and I finally get to feel her boobs and I'm disgusted. This is awful, they feel like plastic bags filled with 3 parts water, 1 part sand. I'm ready to leave.
I'm pretty much flaccid, I'm feeling annoyed but I'm still kinda horny so let her go to work but to no avail. No amount of hand or mouth action gets me started. We even try some sex. No, that didn't work, it felt like I was thrusting into an open space, either she was too loose or me too flaccid. That's it, I'm mentally scarred.

We give up, I had to entertain her for an entire day after that and it was the most uncomfortable experience of my life.
We didn't re-attempt anything of a sexual nature. The way those boobs felt was so wrong, the way she pushed my hands way made me feel like a rapist.
How screwed up is that?
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 6:06, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

Being sick at will
I have the most very useful ability of being sick at will as long as I've eaten or drank something in the last few hours.

One day, no doubt when our football had been stolen this came up into conversation and I of course obliged in regards to their disbelieving voices!
Most schools had Pokemon, Yo-yos or some other shallow trend, we had copy-cat teenagers being sick. Everywhere.
I've never seen teenage girls so disgusted, I mean, these guys really went to town. For weeks after you could still see dark patches in the playgrounds.

Even now, I'm remembered from school for reasons like that. *sigh*
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 4:35, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Worth a thousand words.

This picture is on the official school microsite!
(Fri 11th Nov 2005, 23:24, More)

» Shame

Stealing from the mentally unstable
Like Chopper3 below, a group of friends and I went and had a rampage of kinds during a school holiday. The more we got away with the cockier we felt.
On one of the quieter nights we decided to stalk the local mental home, seeing what trouble we could cause and who would be easiest to harrass. After a quick wander around we discovered that the carers kept their stock of refreshments OUTSIDE the kitchen door.

Lager, 2 litre bottles of coke, chocolate bars. Boxes of the stuff. For an entire week we pilfered their entire stock. We took everything.
We would take as much we could carry to a nearby house. The house was a very poor shed conversion and it was oh so easy to get on the roof. From this roof we drank and ate as much as we could before having to head home.

Stumbling in at 9.30 drunk, my parents were never the kind to ask questions. They were cool in that way.
Still, I do regret stealing all that stuff. I can't help but cringe at the thought of little retarded Ricky freaking out because he didn't get his weekly chocolate bar, hitting a carer and pissing all over his bed.
Then the carer going out back to have a nice cold lager, to find the entire goddam stock missing.
(Thu 24th Nov 2005, 19:40, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Mr Cranny. Geography teacher. Secondary School
I hated this guy from the moment I first met him, luckily I was never in any of his classes. Mainly because he was given the bottom group kids.

He was a freak. He only had 2 sets of clothes, all the same. Same shirt. Same trousers etc
Originally a ginger, died blond hair with a moustache. At home, we would never answer the door or the phone unless he was forewarned of a call/visitor.
He always had a group of "students" in his teaching classroom, I say students but they were always the vulnerable stupid kids. Kids who always skipped lesson/school. Who were in all the bottom groups etc. Usually more male than female. There were always the rumours he was a bit of a pervent. Hell, he would always be giving out sweets to his favourite students. Once giving £1000 each to two students with 100% attendance, female students I may add.

The story goes that he had amassed a collection of photos he had taken from school discos, trips and other misc. events and had begun creating psuedo-images of the teenage students heads stuck onto the bodies of naked models.
How was he caught?
He had been using the SCHOOL computers to make these images, and when the school did an audit of what everyone was doing to look for people using the internet to cheat on essays they discovered his stash.

Linky to Dirty Twunt News Article
(Wed 9th Nov 2005, 15:07, More)