» Homemade Booze

I was probably 13 years old at the time,
and I was interested in making wines after finding a book with recipes for various "country" wines. I gathered a number of wild sunflowers to make a sunflower wine, pulled the petals and steeped them in boiling hot water, added the sugar, yeast, and, I think, a tablespoon of very strong tea.

Of course I had little idea of what I was doing, and not having a fermentation lock, I screwed the top of the half filled gallon jug tight to keep the "bad bacteria" from infecting the newly made must.

I came home to a very angry Mother, the section of my solid oak desk I had put the fermenting liquid in "to keep it in the dark" blown wide open, the dog shaking in another part of the house, and thick sugary liquid all over the floor. There were shards of glass embedded in the wood of the file drawer of that desk that I never got out.
(Sun 7th Dec 2014, 13:48, More)

» Claims to Fame

Here in the Mall
I happened to have a leather motorcycle jacket I wanted to see on myself.  After looking for a mirror all over the place, I saw a camera with a TV and a sign saying, "Leave your ideas here!"  I thought to myself, "Now I can see what I look like in this thing!"

Instead, I saw a big red dot with a question.  "What accessories would you like to see on cars in the future?"  I looked in the camera and said, "LASER beams!"  Then with the biggest idiot grin I could muster, "Laser beams are KEWL!"

About 2 weeks later my friends are coming to me and saying, "I saw you on the TV last night!"  I got included in a commercial.  I got it on tape...
(Sun 27th Feb 2005, 10:37, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Banjo Cat!
Being the son of a scientist, I have always had an insatiable need to stick my fingers in things I don't know anything about.

My Mother had an ornamental catfish that was just so ugly it could only be loved. This fish developed some kind of blood blister which I decided I would then fix. At first I slowly increased the salt content of the water I put him in waiting for this to effect some cure, but there wasn't anything apparent. At this point I realized I could use Alcohol to help kill the infection!

Measuring the weight of the fish, calculating the proportional weight of the fish in relation to the weight of a man, created the proper dilution of Vodka to water to do this right.

It's true. Mom wasn't happy.
(Tue 11th Dec 2007, 2:34, More)

» Road Rage

One Night...
One night as I went to get coffee at my favorite store, I came on a scene with a woman dictating to a wrecker service how to take the clothes and suitcases out of the trunk of her rental.  They had trouble getting the flat off the car, it had a lock lugnut.  When just at the last bit of luggage, the guy finally gave up and as politely as he could told the woman he didn't need her abuse, and he was just doing this from the goodness of his Fla-ah-da Cracka heart.  Loaded all the stuff back in the trunk and left.

I noticed an old blind guy standing in the corner with a filterless cigarette hanging out of his mouth unlit.  The guy was just trembling in fear.  Meanwhile the woman just turned up the heat and demanded SOMETHING BE DONE ABOUT THIS!  She got in the car, still raised off the ground with the flat, revved the engine, spun the wheels, ran it off the jack, and sparks flew when that wheel rim hit the ground.  She managed to go far enough to block the gas pumps.

The attendant called the rental company and they sent another car out, the guy there told her he wasn't supposed to put any of the luggage in the trunk and the attendant wouldn't do it.  Finally she turns to me.  Mind, I had long hair, a beard down to my chest, wearing shorts, feathers in my hair, sandals made from a car tire, and a pipe stuck in my mouth.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Would you please help me put my luggage in the back of this car?"  She was on her honeymoon with the old blind guy.  The whole thought just gives me chills.
(Thu 12th Oct 2006, 22:02, More)

» Scary Neighbours

It's True! I swear by Satan's Butt!
When I was an impetuous young lad, I went into the woods to do the Native American Indian thing.  I have, and I am not kidding, had possibly the scariest neighbors in the world!  That is, next to the nice couple down the hall.

There was the guy named Wayne.  He was going to squat on this land until they had to give it to him, some homesteading law.  Wayne used to get drunk with a case of Old Millwaukee™ and start waving a knife around.  To get his beer money he did odd jobs, and finally one old woman he was working for stabbed him with that knife.

Charles did two tours in Vietnam.  One in the Army, two in the Navy.  He would get so drunk you would walk down the trail and suddenly he would be there, laying on his stomach on his elbows, eyes closed, whipping his head from side to side.

After I was re-civilized, I ended up in a house with this access road next to my bedroom.  Of course this is where I compute, so one day I hear, "BLAM!  BLAM!"  Then there is this scraping sound with a burdened engine.  "Damn!  Those boys got themselves a squirrel!" I am thinking to myself.  "What the hell is that!" I say when they have to tear out from the place carrying their ill gotten booty.

Later I'm talking to George, who heals his wounds by painting lacquer and varnish on them, and he shows me his new acquisition.  "And he done hit me here with a potato rake!  Then Bradley went and got his sawed-off and those boys took off!"  Some bunch had come to kill the drug dealer, who fights cocks, that lived down that damn road...
(Tue 30th Aug 2005, 13:22, More)