» Take my Mother-in-law...

Sort of in laws..
my girlfriends grandparents,

While on a regular visit i was doing my standing and smiling and nodding duty...

The subject of my girlfriends brothers bowel disorder came up (you know when you need a sheeit and can't? well imagine you have it 99% of the time, unpleasant)

It had been mentioned before (seems a point of extreme interest in old folk) they would occasionally send prunes to help out (despite him useing medication that would make a serveer mess were anyone else to take them) and tell us about it, "some liquorice allways flushes me out" e.t.c.

But oh no, this time an enema is suggested, i'm subjected to a 15 minute very detailed discription of how grandad would use soap to lube up a rubber hose, stick it up his arse then inject warm soapy liquid into his back passage.. then release the newly mixed sudsy arse broth.

My would be mother in law irons pants and socks... "just in case you were rushed into hospital..."

Aren't old people great ;)
(Sat 10th Sep 2005, 3:33, More)

» When animals attack...

Thankfully...
It didn't happen to me...

A friend was hurtleing allong a country lane at night on what was at the time the most highly tuned suzuki bandit 400 in the uk, a rabbit hops into the middle of the road as he is tipped over going arround a corner... now adding a rabbit to a motorcycle wheel at speed, adding the fact the mototcycle is cornering this tends to make the bike make a very sudden change of direction, in this case into a ditch...

The front of the bike resembles a pollock painting, as does his wrists which were shattered completely, lots of blood and mess, he stays awake enough to see the bunny hop off into the night...

No wanking for over a year, wrists now made of 30% steel, written off bike and lots and lots of pain...

Bunnys... bastards.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 12:44, More)

» When animals attack...

Tiny tiny fly fuckers...
While happyly rideing my bmx arorund a spiffy track on holliday when i was small(er) speeding allong a tiny white fly decided its going to fly right into my eye... not very nice, but before i can even think of slowing down i get another bastard one in my other eye!
So i'm going about as fast as a small bmx mounted kid can with bastard insects in either eye which are instincively closed, needless to say i fly over side of the course and fly several meters in the air with my eyes closed...

Bastard rubbish flys..
Insects are just plain shit.
(Thu 2nd Jun 2005, 11:41, More)

» Walkman Flashbacks

smashing pumpkins - tales of scortched earth
Being the only tape (yes tape) i'd brought with me to japan i'd listed to this album about 400million times, one particular occasion being stood on the tube train blissfully unaware of the extreme loudness and got a good hard stareing at...and i thought it was just because i were weird lookin.

-nb- I did however buy all my friends small ceramic poos with eyes, and neglected to buy myself one! SHAT!
(Sat 26th Mar 2005, 11:20, More)