» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Not funny, but memorable
My name's certainly not Gareth, but I am in the TA and have been for a little under 3 years ago now. My limited service has like many of us included a 6 month holiday with lots of sand (and shit).
The really side splitting things are those that just won't work in the retelling, you really have to be there, but there are a few memorable experiences of my service so far.
- Experiencing your first incoming rocket attack. The "fuck me they really are trying to kill me" feeling that gets the blood flowing.
- Having an old Iraqi chap say thanks. He'd managed to go to the Hajj that year for the first time.
- Sitting on the roof of Basrah Palace at night when a fireball goes up in the city (suicide bomber)
- Trying to shoot straight from a moving vehicle (just practicing, I never fired in anger) while bouncing through the desert with a driver who things he's Colin McRae, and not hitting a sausage (or even a barn door had there been one)
- Getting pins and needles in your entire body with heat stress, cos it's your first day and it's 49 degrees, and bugger me, this just isn't at all funny.
- Having the lowest speed car chase ever! Me in a landrover being chased by an Airport fire truck who was pissed that I overtook him.
- And finally, the best feeling in the world. Stepping off the tristar at the end of your 6 months. It may have been 4am and raining, but I was home.
(Mon 27th Mar 2006, 23:22, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Sinking feeling
I work in an office which is mostly blokes and we all share one toilet.

I always enjoy a good relaxing poo at work, the joy of getting paid to drop a log is hard to beat (okey, not that hard, but it's still good)

I was relaxing on the throne a few months ago enjoying a quick game of air hockey on my phone when I felt the earth move... No not an earthquake but the toilet, slowly sinking into the floor. It seams that the bog had been leaking for some time (supply, not the waste pipe thank goodness) gently soaking the floor boards below which had all but rotted away. I quickly engaged hover mode to stop myself disappearing and cleaned up with an urgency never before experienced..

I have now of course taken on the reputation as the person who has poos so big they fall through floors (despite the fact that I work with a chap who's the wrong side of 18 stone)
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 16:10, More)

» Pathological Liars

Steve the Bullshitter
I was at uni with a chap called Steve. Nice guy, but he had an outrageous line in bullshit that used to wind the rest of us up chronic.

An (anti English football team) related pile of poo from around 1999.
"Scottish football fans are great... England were going to get sent home from the last Euro championships because of the fans."

Erm.. Steve... that was Euro 96... IN ENGLAND! You wanker..

"Oh, it must have been the world cup then.."

Er.. USA 1994... the one we didn't quality for?

But all this was turned on its head... for ages we'd been subjected to wildly fanciful stories of his sexual conquests and famous people he'd met around the world..
"Och.. I've met Mike Tyson.."

Yes Steve, of course... And I've met Jesus.

Until one day after much goading, he produces a picture of the said meeting..
Doh! Irrefutable proof..

So, if that's true.. what else is he *not* lying about?
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 15:12, More)

» Encounters with Royalty

Charles
Met Charles (and shook his hand) along with the Duke of Westminster.. I'm no royalist, but he seemed a nice enough chap.

.. oh sorry, you were expecting an interesting story...

/coat
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 23:30, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Short but sweet
I worked in a warehouse for a bit with a chap called Dave Burns.. Now Dave liked to enjoy his nights out and would frequently turn up with a serious hangover at 8am..
Anyway, in one of the toilet stalls was..

"Dave Burns the candle at both ends."

Inspired.
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 22:16, More)