» My Wanking Disasters

Not the greatest, but it's what I got.
Being an environmentally conscious fellow, after wanking instead of using, say, kleenex, I clean myself off with a large handkerchief I've set aside for the purpose. Said handkerchief will henceforth be known as the "spankerchief". Anyway, since the spankerchief obviously needs to be cleaned on a regular bais, I usually throw it in with my laundry. This particular weekend, however, I was visiting home, and being a starving college student, brought some laundry with me so I wouldn't have to pay for the coin-op.

Later that weekend, my mom decides to help me out a little by doing my laundry for me. Walks into the kitchen, where I'm making a snack, holding the spankerchief and asking what was all over it. Naturally after a good week-and-a-half's use it was rather stiff.

Being quick thinking, I say I've had some rather bad allergies lately, and I've only got the one handkerchief.

Later that weekend she obligingly gives me a few extra handkerchiefs so I don't have to "blow my nose" into one that's been so well used...
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 1:13, More)

» Things you've done when you've had no money.

Most useful thing in the world
I wore a pair of trouser until you could see through the fabric. And beyond. One day I squatted down to tie my shoes, and an odd ripping sound was emitted from my posterior region. The fabric was so threadbare is had split down the seam, and there wasn't enough material to sew a patch to anymore.

So I mended it with duct tape.
(Fri 8th Oct 2004, 10:11, More)

» Vandalism

UCSC tradition
At UCSC, there is a tradition of writing puns of the word "grout" in the grout between the tiles in the bathrooms all across campus. Things like "Grout Expectations", "Oscar the Grout", "Grout Scott!", "Down and Grout", etc. etc. ad infinitum. Because the grout is slightly recessed and very porous, it's basically impossible to remove, and many bathrooms have hundreds of these things written in tiny, 3-millimeter high letters all over them.

I've contributed, but it's been years and I don't remember what I wrote. Use you own imaginations instead.
(Thu 7th Oct 2010, 18:28, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

Zork
I play text-adventures. They're small and don't need installing, so you can fit a couple games and an interpreter onto a floppy disk or USB drive and use it almost anywhere. The sound of intermittent typing won't signal anything is amiss, and if someone actually looks over your shoulder, they just see something resembling a complex command-prompt program. They're also inherently pause-able--no worries about minimizing at a moment's notice and coming back later.
(Tue 3rd May 2005, 10:33, More)

» Missing body parts

Lungs (bits of them anyway)
I used to have a condition, not eaxactly a medical condition itself, but a tendency to develop them--I repeatedly developed Pneumothroax, which is when your lung gets a small hole in it and starts leaking air into your chest cavity, inflating it like a balloon and gradually collapsing your lungs. For a long time we thought it was just bad asthma interspersed with cases of pneumonia (a minor pneumothorax can fix itself over time, feels a lot like pneumonia, and is hard to see on X-rays), but once the doctors cottoned on to what was really happening I got two month-long stays in the hospital while they cut off the top portion of each of my lungs and stapled them shut--the repeated blowouts had weakened the region beyond repair. They also deliberately scarred the surrounded tissue to make my lungs "adhere to the lining of the chest cavity" and resist collapse.

To this day my lung capacity is noticeably smaller than it was before. For a while I couldn't sneeze because I couldn't inhale far enough on the "ah-ah-ah" part to trigger the "choo!" reflex.
(Mon 5th Jun 2006, 22:40, More)