» Get Rich Quick

I
used to make loads of money by pretending to be an expert in alternative medicine. It started off in '96 when my position in my old organisation was abolished and I had to leave. I'd been involved in some pretty dodgy stuff there anyway and I think that had something to do with it, I'd made a killing but I think people had got wind that something wasn't quite right (not going to tell you what I did here I'm afraid, some of it still hasn't come to light ;) )

Losing the job was a big kick to my confidence and I ended up letting my beard and hair grow and just getting in a proper state. I couldn't carry on living in my huge old house and had to move into the suburbs. On top of all this I heard that the police were looking for me in relation to stuff that I'd done in my last work so I had to keep my head low and not have any contact with my mates or family.

I did a degree in psychology back in the day but a fat lot of good that did me now I was out of work, I could count the number of jobs in the job office needing a psychology degree on the fingers of a clumsy cook with leprosy. It ended up coming in useful though when I heard of people getting rich selling homeopathic remedies and other bollocks on some message board I frequented. I made up my own "product" and started to hawk it around markets and stuff using the letters after my name for a bit of legitimacy and I was raking money in.

I started taking it a bit more seriously when I realised there was actually quite a lot of money in it and got in with the whole community who believed it all. Started writing articles for one of the magazines about "human quantum energy" and "life force" and other such definitely true things. It was a good laugh really, decent money and I liked having all these people look up to me as some kind of leader. I also started up a website selling all my remedies so I didn't have to spend the time traipsing round the markets any more.

Anyway it all came to a head when someone who I'd known at my old work recognised me, and shopped me in to the police. They come bursting in in the middle of the night and I'm left in a cell, awaiting trial.
Still, it could be worse, I could be a Bosnian Croat.

Signed
Radovan Karadžić
(Sat 2nd Aug 2008, 4:15, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Well known urban myth, turns out to be be well guilty pleasure.
Most of the time when people hear this it's probably an urban myth, but it does happen...and I saw it with my own spherical light sensing organs. Obviously this in no way disproves the urban myth theory for any of you as you haven't, but take my word for it, small yorkshire terriers absolutely love licking butter (actually I think it was 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter', but the dog obviously didn't notice the difference, thus proving their advertising claims too) and honey out of womens vajajays. Or one yorkshire terrier and one woman in particular anyway.

This was before I went to uni, I went round to this friends house unannounced (as you do) because she lived near me, went round the side to use the back door because that's the door we use in the north and caught an eyeful (is there anything larger than an eyeful? I probably caught that too) through the sitting room window. I watched for a couple of minutes before deciding it might be best if she was left to it for a while. Suffice to say my wank larder was well stocked for many months.

She still doesn't know I saw but may do now if she comes on b3ta.

/Edit oh, I'm guessing this counts as a guilty pleasure for both me and her, and possibly the dog. Imagine the moral quandary it must be going through 'oh, I love butter and honey, but is it right to eat them out of a womans snatch? I'm effectively a dog prostitute, A bitch whore'. Or maybe it loves it, you never can tell with dogs.
(Mon 17th Mar 2008, 17:58, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Many...
When I was little (about 5) I got into a habit of standing at doors listening after I'd left any room in some kind of very poor effort to find out what the grown ups all talked about.

Despite how super secret I thought I was being my parents could quite easily tell and used to loudly exclaim, "Has he gone? oh good, now we can get that huge chocolate cake that we've been saving out. Thank god Tom's not here or we'd have to give him some", as soon as I was out of the room.

Without fail I would come running back in going "Can I have some cake/why have you been hiding cake from me/where's this cake then?".

They developed this on a theme and progressed to ice cream and many other delicious foods and eventually to the more subtle (barely) trick of "Should we tell Tom about the party we're having?" "No, I think we'll have more fun without him". Then I'd run in crying.

This must have happened about forty or fifty times yet I still fell for it. I think in my mind they couldn't be tricking me, because they didn't know I was there...a bit like the whole If-I-can't-see-you-you-can't-see-me thing kids believe.

As well as a propensity to fool small children into believing they're missing out on treats I've also inherited a number of sayings from both my parents;

From my dad: "Let's get that ball back" said when we're just about to leave the house, sort of like "let's go" except totally useless in that you only ever say it JUST as you're leaving the house.

Bad jokes. Mostly in a deliberately misinterpreting what other people say kind of way. Any time anyone finishes a sentence with the word shortly as in, "I'll be down shortly" you have to relpy with, "Don't call me shortly".

Any time anyone says something like "I'll just put the kettle on" the reply is "I don't think it'd suit you".

Also not a joke but if it's cold the phrase is "Ooh it's a bit nippy", a perfectly ordinary phrase but it's the ONLY ONE YOU CAN EVER USE for some reason.

My mum always says "Nothing taste's nicer than a Pembleton Twicer", when anything is nice (not only food) and I do too, I think it's an old lolly advert but she could be making that up.

Also "Fish is the new black". We heard this once on tv when I was younger in some ridiculous cookery programme and it's now the phrase for anything that's the new cool thing. "Have you heard about *cool thing*? Fish is the new black."
(Sat 22nd Nov 2008, 2:15, More)

» Mix Tapes

Mix Tape
Ok, to make this question slightly more interesting, and because I'm amazingly bored, I'm setting a game of First Lines.

Here are some first lines to songs that were definately on a mix tape that I didn't just make up. Guess them. Don't use the internet or you're gay. First person to get each one right wins the prize of being The Best.

1). Out of bed at 8am, out my head by half past ten...
2). In this dirty old part of the city, where the sun refused to shine...
3). All you trekkies and tv addicts, don't mean to dis don't mean to break static...
4). You spurn my natural emotions, you make me feel like dirt...
5). My friend and me, looking through her red box of memories...
6). I'm just mad about saffron, saffron's mad about me...
7). Under blue moon i saw you, so soon you'll take me...
8). We've come a long, long way together...
9). I had visions I was in them I was looking into the mirror...
10). I'm not content to be with you in the day time...
11). Oh we were born within an hour of each other...
12). I can feel the earth begin to move, I hear my needle hit the groove...
13). Look who's crawling up my wall, black and hairy very small...
14). Rising up, back on the street, did my time took my chances...
15). Teenage dreams so hard to beat...
16). Some might say that sunshine follows thunder...
17). Libraries gave us power, then work came and made us free...
18). It's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up, it's coming up....
19). He's a 20th century boy, with his hands on the rails...
20). Billy Ray was a preacher's son, and when his daddy would visit he'd come along....

WARNING: taste in music may go down as well as up, past songs are not an indication of future enjoyability.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 17:15, More)

» Walkman Flashbacks

Mental Institute...
The Buzzcocks song "Strange Thing" always reminds me of the day I went to visit my friend in a mental institute, I'd just bought "Singles going steady" and was listening to it non-stop.

Strange thing came on on my way home on the met just sitting thinking about my friend. He was all fucked up from drugs, slashing his wrists, attacking nurses. They had him on tranquilisers all the time and if he startted getting angry they used to hold him down and inject him with more.

It was one of the weirdest, most surreal and memorable days of my life. Still makes me feel odd to think about it.
(Sat 26th Mar 2005, 13:28, More)