People who have failed /talk

bit lighter

(Thu 5th Dec 2013, 1:08, More)

(Thu 16th Jun 2011, 21:18, More)

Inspired by /links

(Mon 28th Dec 2009, 16:37, More)

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This is saying hello to the b3tan I met outside the poster stand at Reading!
(Mon 30th Aug 2004, 15:07, More)

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Edit* - I could edit this to say something truly spectacular to the masses...but I haven't. Willy breath! There.
(Sun 25th Apr 2004, 11:38, More)

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My one man bandwagon efforts payed off.
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 17:51, More)

How Europe was made.

I'm proud of this one. The FP makes up for the 20 odd minutes I spent just adding the Baltic...
(Wed 17th Mar 2004, 13:11, More)

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Thanks for FP!
(Sat 27th Dec 2003, 19:51, More)

...and a giant leap for fish-kind

Thank you, whoever you are!
(Tue 9th Dec 2003, 19:35, More)

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Yay! Thanks for FP!
(Sun 16th Nov 2003, 19:47, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Found a seat!
I'd just finished a days work and was on a busy commute back home on a train that is regularly packed. I'm lucky if I even get space on the floor and it takes a good hour usually, but is always fully seated by the time it gets to my stop.

Ambling down the aisles after it arrives, I was in shock to notice that there was a free seat at one of the table boothes and quickly made haste towards it, not questioning why it should be empty.

As I sat down quite relieved, I realised why it had been vacant. Sat opposite me was a 16/17 year old lad with down syndrome. Not about to get up and lose my seat, and not thinking much of it anyway, I stay put and mess about on my phone a bit, trying to give an air of someone not wishing to be bothered. It didn't work.

"You alright" he said, looking over at me. As he said it I saw the various other passengers around the table look away or out of the window. Anywhere else really.
"Yeah I'm pretty good, you?" I offer back.
"Good too...Do you like sausages?"

I talked with him for about 5 or 10 minutes about how I preferred bacon really and was never a big sausage lover, which he couldn't understand because he loved them. I ravelled off the various merits of bacon against the sausage and so forth, but didn't win him over. It was clearly obvious throughout this that many people around us were eaves-dropping and it was beginning to get slightly awkward.

The conversation dies down and I pretend to go to sleep, like you do, so as not to be bothered anymore really. I probably sound quite horrible but it was a hard day and I'd rather not be bothered. I thought it was genius.

It seemed to do the trick, me closing my eyes, because he didn't bother me after that.

Anyway, about 10 minutes in to my 'snooze' my phone starts ringing. Can I ignore it? Could I just pretend I'm in such a deep sleep that I can't hear my ring tone or feel the vibration? Of course I fucking can't. So I answer it.

It's my fucking brother. I forget what he wanted, but it couldn't have been important, otherwise I'd know now what it was. I hang up and look across the table. He's looking right at me and now knows I am awake. He springs back into action:

"You're muscly." He says, completely out of the blue. I'm not really that muscly at all, but he appears to think so.
"I like to keep in shape" I say in cliché.
"Do you want an arm-wrestle?"

It takes some moments for the words to be fully comprehended in my head. A fucking arm-wrestle?! I stare blankly at him for a moment before politely declining but he persists further. I protest, trying to convince him I'm not muscly and it wouldn't be worth it.

I can't believe I'm about to tell you this, but I did actually arm-wrestle the lad. He was very insistent and I thought it'd be over quickly and then I could get on with the rest of the journey. That and it was fast becoming a scene.

So we get down to the arm-wrestle and it soon becomes apparent that I'm not going to win. I'm going to be beaten at an arm-wrestle by a 17 year old lad with down-syndrome on a packed commuter train in front of everyone.

I start feeling a bead of sweat run from my hairline and look up at my opponent. He's hardly exerting himself AT ALL. On top of this, he then starts laughing, quite manically and my hand begins to get ever closer to the table, trembling as it does so due to my obvious exertion.

Just as he's about to hit it down on the table and win, he lets go and laughs again to himself. I look round the train and notice a fair few people turn their heads as our eyes meet. They'd seen it all...

Anyway, it all went alright after that and was generally one of the more interesting commutes I've had. And I got to do it sitting on a nice chair...and technically, I didn't lose the arm-wrestle.
(Thu 29th May 2008, 23:33, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Tricky situation.
My warehouse supervisor at Morrisons is cross-eyed, some sort of condition I don't care to know the name of. Two of us were standing together awaiting further instructions. When he gave them I asked who he was talking to since we were both holding an eye's eye contact each.

"You" he said...as if this made things clearer. I walked a couple of metres away from my mate and said, "ask us again." I wish I hadn't have done this...

Incidentally he was talking to me.
(Tue 20th Apr 2004, 22:39, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

I was barely an hour old.
She was in her late 30's.

I was her painful dildo for almost 4 hours while several people watched on and to this day I feel used.
(Thu 4th Dec 2008, 16:44, More)

» Racist grandparents

My senile grandpa has been left behind a little bit in his old age.
I constantly enjoy asking questions of him and wonder in amazement as he makes up an answer almost on the spot. He has the strangest disposition of thanking no-one at all at the end of the stories he often makes up too and I'm beginning to worry about him.

For a time now he's held this belief that where someone comes from somehow defines them and that they are all exactly the same. I believe his fear is beginning to manifest itself in irrational hatred. Where once his stories were a somewhat pleasant distraction, his racism has recently infected them to the point of mild obsession. Just the other day he embarrassed me in public by making some wild, unfounded and wholly irrelevant claim about another race. I'm thinking of cancelling his Daily Mail subscription.

Cheers.
(Thu 27th Oct 2011, 13:36, More)

» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

The oneupmanship.
An indeterminate amount of time ago I happened to be doing something arbitrary when someone who I either know or do not know interrupted what I was doing in a no doubt rude manner. I professed my shock in some sort of way before either karma or a person who I either know or do not know intervened. The aforementioned interuptee was then either incredibly embarrassed, humourously injured or, depending on how much of a cunt I or the interuptee is, severely injured. There was then either stifled or raucous laughter or gasps of shock, depending on the fate of the antagonist.

Needless to say, I had the last laugh.
(Sat 5th Feb 2011, 14:45, More)