» Sleepwalking

Hemar, hemmer... pile ointment
I started doing an OU masters degree some years back. One module ran a three day study weekend at Reading Univerity. Accomodation was in the campus hall of residence. During the day we studied and in the evenings we got ratarsed.

After a second evening of hard drinking, I had retired to bed. Next thing I knew, I'm standing in the stairwell in the hall of residence in the wee small hours wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts. And clutching a tube of Anusol (it was mine, I was suffering and needs must). After the initial shock/surprise/revelation I attempted to head back to my room. This is where things really went downhill.

The hall of residence was quite security minded. There was a lock on the entrance to the hall and locks on all the rooms, as you would expect. However, each floor off the stairwell was also protected by a locked door. And as stated previously, my inventory consisted solely of that tube of Anusol. I couldn't get into my floor, let alone my room.

I was left with a stark choice; make lots of noise and potentially wake up half the building to my plight and embarrassment; wait any number of hours until I spotted an early riser; or leave the confines or the stairwell and find the caretaker but risk being locked out of the entire building. If only I had an item in my inventory that would allow me back into the relative warmth of the stairwell.

It was then that I became grateful to a tube of pile ointment for the second time in my lifetime; I could use it as a stop between the door and the frame to stop the main door locking behind me...

Somewhere, there is a university caretaker who is, and has been for many years, dining out on the story of a drunken student waking him up in the middle of the night because he'd locked himself out of his floor while sleepwalking, armed only with a tube of toothpaste.

"What's that you've propped the door open with son?"
"Oh, that's er... toothpaste. It was the only thing I was carrying when I woke up."
"Good thinking"
"You have no idea"
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 13:01, More)

» Useless Information

Brain science
If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we'd be so simple, we couldn't
(Thu 17th Mar 2005, 15:27, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Music class...
Being in the top stream at school, we didn't get to unleash our superior intellects on drum kits or Casio keyboards like the rest of the streams. Oh no. We got to learn the recorder.

For some unfathomable reason, on one occasion someone was sick in music class. For some even more unfathomable reason, said person tried to fight the urge rather than dash off to the loo, failed, and turned their recorder into a rather spectacular vomit fountain...
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 11:22, More)

» Have you ever paid for sex?

No...
But I know someone who's girlfriend said she'd give him a blowjob for a tenner.

He accepted.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 14:43, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Mr Pearson was my Chemistry teacher
He never really believed in doing things on a small scale, so would demonstrate what effect water had on lithium and sodium by checking bloody great lumps at a bucket of water. Or the flammability of hydrogen by chucking burning rags at a 2 litre bottle of the stuff. Didn't believe in fume cupboards. 'Just put your hands up if you feel a bit lightheaded.' Had a tendency to sniff ether when the class was doing experiments and he got bored.

His piece de resistance was to shag the Physics teacher the gym. She was tied up with school ties. We know this because he videoed it and some students found the tape. And told The Sun...

For all I know, he may have apologised for length. The lucky bastard.
(Sun 13th Nov 2005, 17:16, More)