Bindun?

Yay! 9 years later, and I got my first FP! I love you all, apart from the BMW and Merc drivers amongst you.
(Tue 26th Feb 2013, 0:33, More)

» Twattery

To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe
We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude.

Eschewing the usual pleasantries exhanged at the beginning of a conversation, you chose to angrily snap "Is that your catalogue?" at us.

Believing that for some reason you were interested in the M&S catalogue, perchance to peruse the special offers on knickers, we slid it towards you and said "No, you can have it."

You picked it up, and for some reason this confused you. And made you ruderer and angrier.

You then jabbed at my cup of tea, snapping, "Is this YOUR tea?" My tea sloshed about but, luckily for you, none was spilled. It's a Serious Thing to mess with an Englishman's tea.

I then gathered your drift. You were asking in an angry and rude way if you could share the table with us. But instead of asking in a normal way, you were being a rude and angry tea-sloshing boor.

Realising that you were a rude and angry tea-sloshing boor, I decided to mess with your tiny mind. I summoned up my best plummy English public school accent, and spoke loud enough for everyone else to hear, "I'm sorry, I think you're trying to ask in a rude round-about way if you can sit here. Why don't you just ask if you can sit here politely, and we'll probably say 'Yes'."

Your face began to turn a strange shade of beetroot, and you stammered, "There's no need to be so rude."

I replied, "No, I think you're being rude, but if you ask nicely, of course you can sit there."

Unfortunately, this magnanimous gesture was not taken up. Instead you muttered to your wife, threatening to tip your boiling hot tea over my head. Charming!

You continued to be rude, whilst I continued to ask if you'd like to sit down. Some part of your brain is broken, as instead of sitting down, you continued being angry and rude.

Eventually, we finally asked "Would you like to sit here or not?"

You both replied "No", and we replied "Okay, bye then!", turned away from you, and continued our converation, that you had so rudely (and angrily) interrupted.

You stormed off to find another table, and left your dull-witted wife standing bemused by our table. She confusedly told us that "There was no need to be so rude. You only had to ask."

I corrected her, telling her "No, HE only needed to ask politely." She walked off burbling incoherently to herself.

You eventually, after a few minutes, found another table to sit down, and drank your tea fuming and glaring at me. The other customers were all looking at you and commenting on how rude and stupid you'd been and laughing at you which seemed to be winding you up.

I tried to show that there were no hard feelings by smiling and winking at you, but this seemed to make you even angrier. You were trying to decide whether or not to stand up and come over and make a scene again, and the stand-up-sit-down hovering manouver you were making above your chair as you couldn't decide was so sweet to watch.

We finished our tea, and as we stood up, some normal people came over and showed you how it should be done: "Hello, Are you leaving? Do you mind if we take this table when you leave?" And we smiled at them and told them to feel free, and smiled at you and watched your crimson physog and stand-up-sit-down dance, and the overall effect was that it looked a bit like you were straining to have a poo in your pants.

In retrospect, I think I was a bit of a twat for winding you up...
(Fri 13th Apr 2012, 5:40, More)

» Buses

I like sitting in the front seats on the top deck,
holding the rail under the window, and pretending I'm handgliding very slowly around London.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 14:18, More)

» Cunning Plans

My Cunning Plan for making Serious Car Accidents more Fun
Car air bags are all the same boring white colour.

My cunning plan is to paint the multiple airbags in my car all different bright colours, and pack them back down, but with streamers and glitter packed inside, too.

Then, if I'm in a car accident and the airbag goes off and I bleed to death, it will feel like I'm at my own death party.

I'll also keep some Jelly and Icecream in the glove box to have as a final meal.
(Fri 6th Jul 2012, 4:55, More)

» Cunning Plans

I've had cunning plan for a sci-fi movie like Terminator only cheaper special effects
In the future, geek Pope Shax IX is going to stop an alien invasion of the earth; he invents the special MacGuffin weapon playing with stuff in his shed at the weekends, and has superfast reflexes from playing computer games, and wins the war against the aliens but they have a cunning plan and send one alien back in time to change the course of his life.

Instead of being a mad killer robot, the alien disguises itself as a sexy woman who seduces him, has kids and reels him into a life of mediocrity.

Instead of lettng him have time for inventing laser death rays and honing his reflexes on Call of Duty, she keeps him busy with boring shit like taking the kids to doctors appointments, swimming lessons and football lessons; interminable weekends of traipsing around all the shops in town to pick a never ending carousel of furniture, paints, wallpapers, carpets and curtains, only to change her mind and start all over again.

In the final scene, on his deathbed, she reveals her alien self, drains his remaining life force, and the alien invasion begins.

Fuck My Life.
(Fri 6th Jul 2012, 3:17, More)

» Sporting Woe

The Kids Who Were Shit At Sports had to set athletics stuff up for the Kids Who Were Good At Sports.
We used to make all the hurdles different heights, and random distances apart. It was fun to watch from the sides.
(Sun 22nd Apr 2012, 4:00, More)