I ate a Nice biscuit just now. Ironically it was not made of iron.

(Sun 29th Jun 2014, 15:20, More)

"There there Phooey, no more pain where you're going..."

OMG Thanks for FP all :)
(Thu 12th Oct 2006, 10:43, More)

arrgghh, gerroff!!!!

(Tue 14th Mar 2006, 19:23, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

A guy in work
was remotely accessing his computer through a website called Logmein (not that bad a site, most probs better ones out there but hey ho). He was keeping an eye on some downloads when his pre-teen daughter starts using his computer in the house. She's got no idea by the way that her dad is in her office and is watching everything she is clicking on an typing by the way; she just thinks he's left his computer on to download. So she fires up MSN Messenger and starts chatting to one of her friends, all of which is being witnessed by dad in work.
After about 5 minutes of talking about bollocks, dad is a bit bored, so he decides to have a laugh. As his daughter is typing away merrily on MSN he starts typing gibberish on his own office keyboard and it adds a load of jumble onto the message she was about to send. She deletes all of this then types to her friend "I think my computer has a virus" then sends it. Her dad however, slowly types into the Messenger box "NO IT DOESN'T."
Apparently the screen went off in about 10 seconds flat and when he got home from work later that night he found her hiding in her bedroom, cowering under the duvet.
Now that's fucking parenting :D
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 16:09, More)

» Anonymous

Worst anon thing for me methinks
is giving fake advice on an internet forum for epileptics. A few kids on there were talking about wanting to play their favourite games, but were being set off by the strobing effects of their monitors.

So....I...um...left an anonymous post saying how scientists had discovered that the main trigger for seizures is too much information being passed to the visual cortex in the frontal lobe while staring at the fluctuating light source. 1 way to combat this flood of information though is to wear an eye-patch, which limits the amount of visual stimulation thus preventing the cortex from overloading the brain.

After a few excited responces, I went back onto the forum thread later on to see the results. A few kids had replied back with "Didn't work mate, still had a seizure" and one kid asked what I would've expected as a result from getting kids to wear an eye-patch testing this?

My answer was simple; "YARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

I never went on that forum again.
(Thu 14th Jan 2010, 12:25, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

When I was about 4 years old... (damn my work comp's inability to edit posts!!!!)
...me favourite toy was this walking robot. It stood a tall 10 inches (lol, I typed inches) and had a light display in it's chest. When it was powered up by some batteries, it would march forward, stop, then do this light display and repeat the process. Twas not gifted with great variety, but it made alot of noise and looked cool.

One day, the batteries run out. Robot noise becomes quiet plastic statue to the 4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants this resolved, so I bring this to the attention of my father. This was my expensive mistake.

He has a look around the house for some batteries but can't find any. So instead, he decided to test out something else. He opened up the battery compartment and connected a spare CAR BATTERY to the +/- points in the battery bay with some jumpleads and some wire. All is ready, then dad flicks the "on" switch....

Robot noise went beserk. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP SMOKE STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES STAMP LIGHTS LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES....
Dad disconnected the car battery but it was too late. The robot had run straight into a wall and was currently burning itself to the skirting. He runs out to the bathroom, grabs a cup of water and soaks the melting circuit person drying it to the wall, a lump of disfigured toy with the smell of plastic death emanating from it.

"Oops....errr...sorry son." says dad, who promptly legs it. I loved that toy.

Apols for length? It's 10 inches of fecking fire!
(Fri 26th Oct 2007, 8:37, More)

» This book changed my life

This book rocks,

bit strong for kids though.

Sorry...ish
(Thu 15th May 2008, 18:06, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Everyday partial nudity contest....with a contestant total of 1
I was in work one day and discovered bleeding from me bum, so I went to the docs. After a quick examination (which did include the line "At least buy me a meal first doc...) I was to discover I was infected.

I had an op 10 weeks ago which was to remove to remove a Pilonial Sinus (I think that's how it's spelled). Not a nice thing and surprisingly common; basically an ingrowing hair forms a sinus which leads to infection within certain areas of the body which tends to be hairy.

In the case of myself, mine was found to be slap-bang in the middle of my arse cleft, just below the Chocolate Mineshaft.

Now there are medications which can be taken to remove the infection, but these do not cure the root cause which is the hair itself, so the main method of resolution is to surgically cut and remove the entire sinus from the body. Meaning that since 10 weeks ago, I've got a new wound in my ass, next to my rusty bullet wound. Which randomly hurts like fuck.

I've been on tablets of varying strengths and the wound has been infected 3 times (the first of which was pronounced Strep-toe-cockia, I couldn't make it up, typical, I get a new hole up my ass and within a week I had a cock in it). Also as part of the recovery process, every single day I have to visit the local doctors and have the wound-packing changed (except for weekends, a nurse calls round to the house to do it). This involves removing the existing outside dressing and some cotton thread which is stuffed into the wound, and replacing with fresh ones.

So every single day for the last 10 weeks my arse has been seen and visited by many a Swansea nurse, so much so that I have suggested I stick it on Google Maps as a popular tourist spot. I have to drop my kegs and get a rear-bikini wax from the removal of such dressing while some nurse uses a cotton bud to ram cotton wool up my 2nd hole, it's a beautiful thing. It does have it's benefits, some of them nurses are quite fit :D

As you can imagine, small-talk during the anal exchange can be a bit weird. I have been known to have said so far;
"Do you come here often?"
"Bet you wish you was a midwife now."
"..and that's why women are shit drivers..." if she happens to hurt me while prodding it in
"Fucking hell, I'm not Sooty!" after a particularly painful adjustment by one.
Another had difficulty placing the wool packing in and said "The problem here is that your arse is too firm" which was met with the reply "Errrrr, thanks?"

Last week I had to visit the hospital for a checkup by one of the operating consultants, who after another partial moony moment informed me that there was hair growing around the wound but falling into it, so he announced he would shave me there and then. A nurse was called in, who had to palm-push my cheeks as far apart as possible while this doctor dangled a razor-blade very closely to my manhole. I made a quick funny as per; "Do I bite the pillow now doc?" to which the nurse started laffing a bit. This unfortunately led to another nurse in the adjoining room leaning her head through a door to see what was happening, to be greeted with me belly-down with my ass sticking up in the air mounted upon nurse-palm-scaffolding while an African doc was ramming a razor up my ass. I tilted my head towards her to make eye-contact and coughed "Excuse me..." before she sniggered "Sorry" and closed the door.

Still on the daily treatments now so apols for length, twas about 6-8cm deep but now only 2....
(Thu 28th May 2009, 20:22, More)