» Evil Pranks

I am a cunt
My ex-wife had a really good friend from way back who was on the brink of getting married herself.

For the hen party they had decided to have a lingerie pub-crawl. The general theme was the whole tacky Ann Summers thing.

My ex had ordered a load of stuff from said smut peddlers catalogue, the piste de la resistance being a huge wobbly double-ended dildo.

My best mate (who was visiting at the time) and I had often played pranks on each other....usually ending in each other becoming moderately injured. This time though we worked together....

One drunken night we were going through the collection of filth that the missus had ordered whilst she was away at a works doo. The double-ender appeared, as did some of the hottest scotch bonnet peppers know to man that we had procured from Peckham High Street. We sliced and diced them and rubbed the juice from one grossly phallic end of the dildo to the other and carefully repackaged it.

Cut to 3 days later. The day of the wedding went well. The night of the wedding came and went. My wife received a text that went something like this

"You fucking bitch, where did you get that dildo from? I ended up in A and E with the worst burnt fanny AND arsehole. You ruined everything"

I have never been more amused...or aroused to be honest. My ex-wife never heard a thing from her again.


Length? Just bend it in the middle and jam it up your arse.
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 22:38, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

After imbibing
a good quantity of absinthe and much free beer, courtesy of medical reps, I made my way back to my Brussells hotel. Got Lost in hotel. Ended up on the roof. Four hours later and crying because I couldnt find my way back, I phoned the police.

They called me "A drunk english idiot" and hung up on me. Not needed...

I had to sleep on the roof until I sobered up.
(Thu 16th Jun 2005, 10:06, More)

» Stupid Dares

School Daze
Back in the heady days of primary school, we had a kid called Steels (as that was his name...those of you from Immingham will have seen this fool attacking a fried egg sarnie outside of Skeltons with all the grace of a Bulldozer doing a japanese tea ceremony).

Just as we were about to head back into class he decalred that he needed to go...and, well, have a shit. Gazza, a cool kid, dared him to try and hold it til lunch time, and, upon completion of said dare, he would be in possesion of a shiny new pack of Wheat Crunchies. Game on.

Steels, over the next 1 hour and 30 minutes became more and more restless. His skin started to slowly turn a very pale gray. He started fidgeting. He started to sweat. The teacher started to tear a strip off, "Steels, sit down!".

The bell rang for lunch. Steels could almost taste those Crunchies as he started to run for the door...until Teach called him back to tear him off a strip for being so disruptive during class.

As the teacher began to bellow, lamenting his fidgeting, fat form, there was an almighty HRRRUMMMPHHHH! as Steels' lovingly baked brownies escaped into his Spidey Y-fronts, breeched the leg elastic, and slowly slid to the floor from the leg of his shorts.

The teacher had to go into counselling as he thought he had made Steels shit hiself with fright, we had to spend the rest of the day in a classroom smelling of Steels' shit, whilst he had the rest of the day off being pampered and having a new transformer bought for him.

He is still a dick, still eats egg sarnies and just got married to a girl who looks like a Fimble.

Length? You should see it when its aroused.
(Sun 4th Nov 2007, 23:49, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome...
to Immingham!

This is a phrase you will never hear from a local. Immingham, primarily populated by chavs, slags and people who have more tattoo's than teeth, is a place I called home for almost 13 years.

It is the home to 2 oil refineries, a gypsum board manufacturing plant and a dock, that brings in coal and titanium dioxide on huge ships. The latter helps select women-folk of the town earn money from semen....this is not a spelling mistake.

The local shopping area, called The Civic, has an historic sculpture on one of its walls, primarily constructed from bird shit and rust. This area is always populated with neanderthal-browed, teenage chavs willing to try and punch you out to gain recognition from the younger, slack-jawed female chavettes.

The estate is a wasteland. I once saw a 4 year old boy emerging from a storm drain. The local shop is built like a fortress. Teenage pregnancy, drug use and horrific violence based on someone beleiving that someone else is a nonce is rife and regular.

The school...jebus. 6 of the people I went to school with are serving time for murder. One of the guys in the year above me was Ian Huntley. The school has been on "special measures" since "special measures" were invented. GCSE pass rates rarely improve, meaning that most of the poor kids that go there end up staying in the area all of their lives. My best mate (who is a gentle soul, but still tough to survive these wicked streets) is still there. Until recently he was living on his mum's drive, in a caravan with his pregnant, teenage girlfriend.

So I nominate Immingham for Shittest B3ta Town 2009.

It really is very, very, incredibly shit.
(Thu 29th Oct 2009, 20:49, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Quality healthcare by one of my ex-colleagues....
Quick and easy.

Was a student nurse back in 1999. Working with a particularly sexy ex-navy girly, also a student.

Was just taking a blokes blood pressure and having a little chat when all of a sudden his ECG monitor goes off the fucking scale, rate over 180, narrow complex...it's SVT.

He's staring off behind me and I glance round to see what could've caused it. There is our lush navy girlie, crouched down, legs akimbo flashing tight black thong and hold-ups.

I managed to save the day and sort him out though...after I had had a wank, of course
(Sun 14th Mar 2010, 9:08, More)